A woman in the crowd had suffered for twelve years with constant bleeding. She had suffered a great deal from many doctors, and over the years she had spent everything she had to pay them, but she had gotten no better. In fact, she had gotten worse. She had heard about Jesus, so she came up behind him through the crowd and touched his robe. For she thought to herself, “If I can just touch his robe, I will be healed.” Immediately the bleeding stopped, and she could feel in her body that she had been healed of her terrible condition.
Jesus realized at once that healing power had gone out from him, so he turned around in the crowd and asked,“Who touched my robe?”
His disciples said to him, “Look at this crowd pressing around you. How can you ask, ‘Who touched me?’”
But he kept on looking around to see who had done it.
Then the frightened woman, trembling at the realization of what had
happened to her, came and fell to her knees in front of him and told
him what she had done.
And he said to her, “Daughter, your faith has made you well. Go in peace. Your suffering is over.” -- vs 25 - 34
There's a saying: "act your way into feeling." For the longest time I didn't understand that phrase. I thought it encouraged deceit. Over the last year I've begun to truly apprehend what it means; I think I get it now.
I may not always feel forgiven; I may not always feel free from shame. But that doesn't change the fact that I am. I touched the hem of His garment and I have been made whole. That is the Truth that God speaks. I am free. So in those times that the feeling isn't there, when my emotions belie the Truth of who God says I am, I still need to act "as if" -- as if I felt it, as if I am convinced in the depths of my soul it is True. Because the fact is, it is.
I can choose whose voice I listen to; I can choose what I will believe. I never knew that before this year. I don't have to remain covered, buried, in the shame that has so enveloped me all my life just because I feel shame at this moment. I can choose to believe something different; choose to do something different.
So today I am. Right now I will. I will believe the Truth even though I don't feel it. I will act my way into feeling.
These Nicole C. Mullins songs have been on my iPod since I got back
from Women of Faith last month. God used them to speak His love and infinite grace to me. They truly tell the story of my life; my shame-filled yet blessed-beyond-measure Life. And God continues to use them as reminders of the Truth of who I am in His eyes; and
encourage me to keep acting my way into feeling. I thought I'd pass
them along to you today, in case you need encouragement too.
I've been trying to wrap my brain around how to express in words the deep emotions and thoughts I have regarding recent events. I've come to the conclusion that there is no concise way. There are times when words are insufficient; when they almost trivialize rather than explain.
I've been down this road before, emotionally speaking. I've dealt with unexpected tragedy, calamity, depression, disappointment. However, I've not dealt with it on such a large scale.
Where I am now is surrender; acceptance; and maybe a little serenity.
Look, I could go on and on at my anger and frustration over all that has happened to cause this current mess, and on and on about my fears for the future. But none of that will change reality.
We are in deep shit (pardon my french). We are in a recession and rapidly sliding headlong into a depression. And it's not nearly over yet; buckle up, guys. It's going to be a bumpy ride. And when it is finally over, life in the US will not be the same again; at least not in our lifetimes. The US itself may even cease to exist. We are ripe for attack from without and for tyranny from within.* Whether we implode or explode is ultimately irrelevant; what is relevant at this moment is that we have some decisions to make. And they may not be the ones you think.
A week and a half ago I posted a video in the (ungodly) early dawn hours. It was of Luci Swindoll talking about life, God's grace, and choices. I titled the post "This is the day the Lord has made... let us rejoice and be glad in it!" And I have to say, as the day progressed I thought that was an incredibly ironic title, and even more ironic post content, for such a day as that: an historic stock market drop of 777** points. I think God was really trying to get His point across to me. ;)
Here's the point: In that video Luci points out that God is always working, always moving, in everything that happens. He is always working things out for good for those who will just trust and rest in His grace, His love.
My grace is enough; it's all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness. -- 2 Cor 12:9 The Message
I love one line Luci says; she says, "...the trouble with life is it's so daily; it just shows up and there it is, another day and we have to deal with it."
Ain't that the truth.
It can be incredibly taxing on those of us struggling with depression, addiction, the effects of trauma and abuse, mounting financial pressures.... the list is endless these days. I know people who have lost half of their retirement already; others who are about to lose their home; others who have already lost their job; and others who are fighting for their lives right now. I know the feeling of laying my head on the pillow at night, grateful I've made it through another day, and yet begging God as I drift off to sleep to take me Home during the night because I don't want to live anymore; I just want to go Home to eternal rest. I just want to be in His arms and not have to deal with this crap anymore. I know that feeling because I still struggle with it from time to time. And I know others who do too.
Luci, on the video, goes on to say that we can either be positive about another day showing up, or negative about it. We have a choice. She said she chooses to be happy, "because God in His goodness has given us His grace" to get through it.
Here's what I'm learning: When you choose to trust God, to rest in His grace and love even when He takes you into poverty, pain, illness, tragedy, trauma, catastrophe,... He shows up. And He infuses His strength and a sweet serenity into your soul. You're not going to run a marathon or jump and shout "praise Jesus!" You just find that you have enough; you have what you need to get through. It's not the way you wanted things to go; it's not how you planned it out, but you are okay, and you realize you are going to be okay even if you lose everything.
I find myself clinging to a lot of phrases I once found trite, shallow. One of the ones at the top of that list was that verse I quoted on September 29th, "This is the day the Lord has made..." blah blah blah. I always heard it from peppy, perpetually happy church-pod people. You know the type; those Christians who don't ever seem to get upset, or sad, or have a bad day; that no matter what happens they cheerily say, "Praise the Lord!"
Gag me.
But on September 29th I kept remembering not only the video I'd posted, but things I'd heard at the Women of Faith conference the weekend before.
Job is quoted as saying, in essence, "the Lord gives and the Lord takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord," upon learning he had just lost everything he valued -- not just his wealth and possessions, but his children. ALL of them. I always had this feeling that Job was one of those church-pod people, at least at the beginning of the story, because it doesn't seem he was even sad. What is usually left out of the telling is that just before his infamous line, "Job stood up and tore his robe in grief. Then he shaved his head and fell to the ground to worship." (Job 1:20)
He did the things one does when they are grieving deeply. He did not hold back his emotions, or put on a happy face. He did not pretend that all was peachy. I am convinced that he was sobbing, that falling to the ground wasn't so much in honor of God as it was out of utter agony of his darkest night of the soul. And he just figured, while I'm down here I might as well give God the praise He deserves. 'Cause He's still God and is therefore still worthy of praise no matter what happens to me.
I'm convinced it probably took him a hour or more to speak his famous words, and I'm convinced they were said through sobs of a grieving, anguished father:
“I came naked from my mother’s womb, and I will be naked when I leave. The Lord gave me what I had, and the Lord has taken it away. Praise the name of the Lord!” (vs 21)
I'm convinced that that last line was not spoken like a pod-person, all cheery and happy, but rather was spoken in raspy sobbing gasps; not because life is all sunshine and rainbows, but because God is still God and Job still trusted His grace and His love.
I no longer think of "this is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it!" (Psalm 118:24) as a trite, annoying phrase that must be spoken with church-pod people syrupy-ness. It is now the cry of my soul every morning; through tears, through fear, through crankiness, through frustration, through anger, through whatever emotion I experience, my soul now cries, "Papa! You made this day, I will rejoice in YOU; that You are still God, and that You are still able and willing to restore me to sanity this day, regardless of what happens around me or to me. I will still praise You." Sometimes I sound like Whoopi Goldberg in "Ghost," when she's having a hard time letting go of the $4 million check: "I will!!" :) But I've discovered that even when I struggle to give it up for God, He honors it by showing up and bringing His strength and serenity with Him. And He even tells me He thinks I'm wonderful. :)
So here's the bottom line, as I see it:
We have a choice about how we face this unprecedented time in our history. We can get angry and depressed, rail against those we think are responsible and scream at God for the injustices He's allowing to happen to us. We can bury our heads in the sand and deny that anything is wrong or broken in our country. Or we can embrace life and make the most of every moment. It used to be said, "eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we die." But I say enjoy every moment as if it is the best, most precious time you'll ever have; the last time you'll be able to what you are doing at that moment. Because it just may be.
Live in the moment, guys. Live day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time and suck the marrow out of every second of life. Tomorrow will probably be worse than today, so enjoy today to the fullest! (how's that for positive thinking! ;)) But seriously... Live! Find the joy in the simple, ordinary things. And when you find yourself struggling with fear or anger, or denial or apathy, cry out to God to give you the serenity to accept the things you cannot change. Because He will show up.
I couldn't end without including the scene in "Ghost" to which I refer. It's at the end of this clip -- but the whole thing is worth watching. I love Whoopi! (and this is soooo me in this scene!)
*The conclusions I have come to are based on solid, hard-core research. You may vehemently disagree with me, but that will not change my opinion of what is happening, why, and where we are headed. I have been doing a lot of research, a lot of study, a lot of digging and searching -- which I could not even summarize here without writing a twenty-five page thesis paper, complete with another five pages of bibliography and citations, which would most assuredly bore all of you to tears. :) Not to mention frustrate me to have to post all those links and sources....
** It hit me with incredible humor tonight as I wrote this.... 777 is allegedly "God's number." Seven tends to represent completeness in Scripture, so it is sometimes touted by religious folks that God's number is 7; and three sevens in a row is a trinity, don'cha know. :) Yes, that's right folks, it is MY fault the market crashed on Sep 29th.God was working overtime to teach me an object lesson -- that He is truly able and willing to take care of me no matter what happens, if I will just trust and rest in Him. Sorry ya'll had to get caught in my lesson!
...that the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it!
I am sooooo not a morning person, so the fact that I'm up and posting should very much impress you. :) The fact that I'm chipper at this early hour should shock and perhaps even alarm you (it does me!).
I thought I'd start the day with a word of wisdom from Luci Swindoll -- to start my day off right. I love this woman (more than I can express at this early hour)!! She is amazing. You should check her out.
I just got home from an incredible weekend at Women of Faith in Atlanta. This year's theme was Infinite Grace. We cannot go anywhere or through anything in this life that His grace does not cover us and give us strength to endure. He gives us exactly what we need when we need it.
Patsy Clairmont told this story about how God's grace breathed courage into a friend of her's. As I listened I thought about a dear friend of mine who is courageously waging her own war with breast cancer right now. I pray that God speaks these words over her life as well. Let there be Light!
It's no secret I struggle, or that I struggle a lot and deeply. I wish I could be one of those amazingly together women who are calm in crisis, joyful in suffering and wake up singing with the birds like Snow White.---But then, none of you who are my friends would find me as endearing as you do right now, right? ;)
Truth is, I'm more like Lily Tomlin in "9 to 5" or Josie Grossy in "Never Been Kissed" than any of my Disney princess heroines. I once told someone I was about as feminine and at home in a dress as Whoopi Goldberg. I was thinking of her character in Ghost and in my mind seeing her walking down the street looking more like a drag queen than a real woman. That's how I feel when I try to play dress up and look all "sexy."
Recently I saw Whoopi in a comedy special on Bravo. She didn't look at all awkward in her own skin. Rather she looked completely comfortable with herself, her body, her femininity, her womanness. I Googled her image and came across this photo. She looks decidedly vulnerable and feminine to me, beautiful. I realized I've completely misjudged her as a woman.
Maybe I've misjudged myself too.
Tonight I came across this post by Emily McGowin. She's a new discovery for me, and a blessing that I was in desperate need of tonight. My sexuality (apparently) took quite a beating at a very young age. It cowers in the corner most days and other days beats the living crap out of itself for merely existing. No, I'm not at all one of those amazing women who has it all together. I need to be reminded often that I don't have to be, that God loves me just the way and how I am, that, as Emily says,
"there is nothing in you that is inherently un-feminine or un-womanly. Being female, being feminine, is something very personal."
I needed to hear that tonight. I needed someone to celebrate my womanness for me because I just couldn't do it myself. Now I think I can, at least for tonight. Come celebrate with me, won't you?
This is for all you girls about 42
Tossin' pennies into the fountain of youth
Every laugh, laugh line on your face
Made you who you are today
This one's for the girls
Who've ever had a broken heart
Who've wished upon a shooting star
You're beautiful the way you are
This one's for the girls
Who love without holdin' back
Who dream with everything they have
All around the world
This One's for the girls
I love The Message! This was my morning meditation...
Bilious and bloated, they gas, "God is gone." Their words are poison gas, fouling the air; they poison Rivers and skies; thistles are their cash crop.
God sticks his head out of heaven. He looks around. He's looking for someone not stupid— one man, even, God-expectant, just one God-ready woman.
He comes up empty. A string of zeros. Useless, unshepherded Sheep, taking turns pretending to be Shepherd. The ninety and nine follow their fellow.
Don't they know anything, all these impostors? Don't they know they can't get away with this— Treating people like a fast-food meal over which they're too busy to pray?
Night is coming for them, and nightmares, for God takes the side of victims. Do you think you can mess with the dreams of the poor? You can't, for God makes their dreams come true.
Is there anyone around to save Israel? Yes. God is around; God turns life around. Turned-around Jacob skips rope, turned-around Israel sings laughter. --Psalm 14, The Message
Who here among us has not been broken Who here among us is without guilt or pain So oft’ abandoned by our transgressions If such a thing as grace exists Then grace was made for lives like this
Tonight I went to see a movie starring one of my favorite actresses. Judi Dench has been somewhat a hero of mine for a long time. I don't know exactly what it is -- her inner strength, perhaps, that shines through every performance, her wit, her talent, her striking beauty, especially at an age when many women just start falling apart, her class, her power to captivate no matter how small a role she's playing... Perhaps all of it. I want to be like her when I grow up. Or at least look like her.
Notes on a Scandal gave me a different Judi Dench than I expected; one that disturbed me throughout the film, then left me speechless and in awe of her talent afterward. She plays a discomfiting, complex woman with exquisite deft and with incredibly unflinching humanity. Her character, Barbara, could easily have become a caricature of a crazy spinster, but never does. She is both frightening and at the same time intriguing. Just about the time you think you've got her figured out as the crusty spinster with a soft maternal inside, her behavior turns bizarre and alarming. Just as quickly, she returns to her matronly role, just long enough for you to believe her deviant behavior was an aberration, then she does it again. I'm telling you, disturbing.
I have a struggle with movies like this these days. Being a single-never-married woman in my early 40s, I walk a precarious path between becoming, if only in my own eyes, a truly pitiable old spinster, complete with cat and orthopedic shoes, or grabbing the first man that comes along and settling for a loveless, joyless marriage just so I won't be alone. It takes a lot of strength, courage and tenacity to stay on the path I'm on and wait for God's best. Any film delving into the life of a "spinster" delves into my own fears as well. Barbara's struggle was with acute loneliness; the agony of a life without true intimacy and human touch. Its a struggle I am all too familiar with. I've felt that agony many times in my life. It drives many people to seek intimacy through sexual encounters, where ever and how ever they may come. Thank God it's driven me into the arms of God, the arms of Jesus, my Beloved. He has met my deepest needs for intimacy, far better than any man could.
There are no strangers There are no outcasts There are no orphans of God So many fallen, but hallelujah There are no orphans of God
As I drove home tonight, I wept as I allowed my own fears of becoming a spinster to stand up and say their peace. I've spent most of my life shoving my feelings down, ignoring them, denying them or telling them to shut up rather than acknowledging them and letting them have a moment. I'm slowly learning that the only way to deal with my fear is to face it, let it speak, and then to look at Jesus and say, "now what? Help me." So that's what I did tonight.
This song, Orphans of God, by Avalon began playing. I got their CD, Stand, yesterday and it's been playing in my car ever since. I wish I could play the song for you here, or at least provide a link to an mp3 file you could listen to. It's a powerful song I first heard at the Women of Faith conference in Charlotte last year. It's especially meaningful to me because ever since my parents died in 2003 I've felt like an orphan. All my siblings are married with kids of their own. The only real family of my own I had were my parents. With them gone, I feel -- well, family-less. I realize that in reality I'm not, but have you ever noticed that feelings just don't give a damn about reality? They are what they are and they make no apologies and no concessions for anyone or anything, especially reality.
Come ye unwanted and find affection Come all ye weary, come and lay down your head Come ye unworthy, you are my brother If such a thing as grace exists Then grace was made for lives like this
As I'm listening to this song and pouring out my fears to God, He just wraps His arms around me and listens. Slowly, quietly I start realizing that the life I saw played out for the last two hours was a life without God. It was a life of desperation driven by our insatiable need for community and intimacy; a life that never responded to the daily brush of God's Spirit upon her own. It's what happens to each of us when we choose to ignore those soft, persistent caresses, the whispered "I love you"s. Eventually we stop noticing His touch, we stop hearing His whispers. It just becomes part of the background noise of our lives, while our pain and our lonliness takes centerstage.
Even those of us who are connected to God, who are followers of Jesus, devoted, faithful, even strong --even we can get so wrapped up in our pain that we don't notice His touch and His whispers. I've been in such pain and depression, in such darkness in my own soul that I could not see my hand in front of my face. Sometimes my pain, and often times my fear, was so strong that God's presence became just background noise. I could barely distinguish His caresses on my spirit from the searing pain in my heart. And His whispers were lost in the roar of agony. I remember one time, Easter Sunday 2004, finally wailing and screaming to Him, "NOW is the time! You said You would rescue me at the appointed time. Well, that time is NOW. I need you NOW. Come NOW. I cannot do this anymore. Come NOW!"
There are no strangers There are no outcasts There are no orphans of God So many fallen, but hallelujah There are no orphans of God
He came. With smoke in His nostrils and consuming fire shooting from His mouth, He came and rescued me. I'm not kidding. I saw it as clearly as if with my physical eyes. I saw it. He came roaring out of the heavens and scattered and routed my enemies -- those accusing voices, the screaming fears, the blistering agony of abuse and loss -- just as Psalm 18 describes. Then He knelt beside me and said, "I'm hear, baby. I'm here. We'll get through this day." I was raw with pain, but I wasn't alone. I never was. And I never will be. He walked with me through that day, and every day since. Including tonight, as my fear got in my face and I let it say its peace.
I think of some of the people I know who are in such pain. I think of the hurtful words I've read from people in terrible pain, striking out at those who caused their suffering, not even realizing how hurtful their words are. My heart aches for each person involved. There are followers of Jesus all over the world struggling to hear God's whispers, unable to distinguish between the caresses of God and the searing pain of their own soul, in desperate need for God to come roaring out of heaven and scatter their enemies, who feed on them like vultures.
O blessed Father, look down upon us We are Your children, we need Your love We run before Your throne of mercy And seek Your face to rise above
Our pain can lead us to believe we are orphans; that God has abandoned us and we are alone in our fight for justice, for peace. But sometimes feelings lie. They don't tell the whole truth of what is happening.
God is already at work, fighting for us, scattering our enemies, putting right what went wrong. He longs to spread a healing balm on our wounds, and cradle us in His strong arms until our tears are spent and we finally find rest. But He won't force Himself on anyone, even His Own.
There are no strangers There are no outcasts There are no orphans of God So many fallen, but hallelujah There are no orphans of God
I wish I could take away the pain I see written in all the words of so many hurting people! But I cannot. They cry out for justice and recompense, and they are ready to fight to get it. I don't know that their actions will accomplish anything more than creating more hurt and pain, but I could be wrong. Only God knows these things. I only know I cannot give them what they long for. Only God can. All I can do is cry out to my Beloved, "NOW is the time! You said You would rescue Your people at the appointed time. Well, that time is NOW. They need you NOW. Come NOW!" And then watch Him act.
There are no strangers There are no outcasts There are no orphans of God So many fallen, but hallelujah There are no orphans of God
"Orphans of God" written by Twila LeBar and Joel Lindsey, sung by Avalon
I ran across Debbie's blog this morning, and found this post. It was exactly what I needed to read. I'm re-printing a letter Debbie says is from Beth Moore in 2005. I've had many moments like the one Beth describes, where God nudges, prods, and even gets in my face and says, "I want you to do_____ now." The difference is, I rarely step into those moments, and I miss so many blessings because of it.
Erwin said in his book, Seizing Your Divine Moment, that you'll never know if a moment is "divine" or just ordinary until you step into it. They both look just the same from the outside. For the most part I agree. But I have also found in my own life that God makes it pretty clear at times that this particular moment staring you in the face is divine. Sadly, my fear gets the best of me more often than not, and I don't step into those moments. Instead, I just watch them pass, never to know the amazing God-moments I could have been a part of. Beth didn't do that.
This is who I want to become. A person who steps out of herself and her own comfort zone and into the lives of others. Someone who doesn't allow fear to keep her from to seizing every moment that presents itself.
Beth Moore At The Airport
April 20, 2005
At the airport in Knoxville waiting to board the plane, I had the Bible on my lap and was very intent upon what I was doing. I'd had a marvelous morning with the Lord. I say this because I want to tell you it is a scary thing to have the Spirit of God really working in you. You could end up doing some things you never would have done otherwise. Life in the Spirit can be dangerous for a thousand reasons not the least of which is your ego. I tried to keep from staring, but he was such a strange sight. Humped over a wheelchair, he was skin and bones, dressed in clothes that obviously fit when he was at least twenty pounds heavier. His knees protruded from his trousers, and his shoulders looked like the coat hanger was still in his shirt. His hands looked like tangled masses of veins and bones. The strangest part of him was his hair and nails. Stringy gray hair hung well over his shoulders and down part of his back. His fingernails were long, clean but strangely out of place on an old man.
I looked down at my Bible as fast as I could, discomfort burning my face. As I tried to imagine what his story might have been, I found myself wondering if I'd just had a Howard Hughes sighting. Then I remembered that he was dead. So this man in the airport...an impersonator maybe? Was a camera on us somewhere? There I sat, trying to concentrate on the Word to keep from being concerned about a thin slice of humanity served on a wheelchair only a few seats from me. All the while my heart was growing more and more overwhelmed with a feeling for him. Let's admit it. Curiosity is a heap more comfortable than true concern, and suddenly I was awash with aching emotion for this bizarre-looking old man.
I had walked with God long enough to see the handwriting on the wall. I've learned that when I begin to feel what God feels, something so contrary to my natural feelings, something dramatic is bound to happen. And it may be embarrassing. I immediately began to resist because I could feel God working on my spirit and I started arguing with God in my mind.
"Oh, no, God, Please, no." I looked up at the ceiling as if I could stare straight through it into heaven and said, "Don't make me witness to this man. Not right here and now. Please. I'll do anything. Put me on the same plane, but please don't make me get up here and witness to this man in front of this gawking audience. Please, Lord!" There I sat in the blue vinyl chair begging His Highness, "Please don't make me witness to his man. Not now. I'll do it on the plane."
Then I heard it..."I don't want you to witness to him. I want you to brush his hair."
The words were so clear, my heart leapt into my throat, and my thoughts spun like a top. Do I witness to the man or brush his hair? No brainer. I looked straight back up at the ceiling and said "God, as I live and breathe, I want you to know I am ready to witness to this man. I'm on this Lord. I'm you're girl! You've never seen a woman witness to a man faster in your life. What difference does it make if his hair is a mess if he is not redeemed? I am going to witness to this man."
Again as clearly as I've ever heard an audible word, God seemed to write this statement across the wall of my mind. "That is not what I said Beth. I don't want you to witness to him. I want you to go brush his hair."
I looked up at God and quipped, "I don't have a hairbrush. It's in my suitcase on the plane. How am I supposed to brush his hair without a hairbrush?"
God was so insistent that I almost involuntarily began to walk toward him as these thoughts came to me from God's word: "I will thoroughly furnish you unto all good works." (2Timothy 3:17) I stumbled over to the wheelchair thinking I could use one myself.
Even as I retell this story my pulse quickens and I feel those same butterflies. I knelt down in front of the man and asked as demurely as possible, "Sir, May I have the pleasure of brushing your hair?"
He looked back at me and said, "What did you say?"
"May I have the pleasure of brushing your hair?" To which he responded in volume ten, "Little lady, if you expect me to hear you, you're going to have to talk louder than that." At this point, I took a deep breath and blurted out, "SIR, MAY I HAVE THE PLEASURE OF BRUSHING YOUR HAIR?"
At which point every eye in the place darted right at me. I was the only thing in the room looking more peculiar than old Mr. Longlocks. Face crimson and forehead breaking out in a sweat, I watched him look up at me with absolute shock on his face, and say, "If you really want to."
Are you kidding? Of course I didn't want to. But God didn't seem interested in my personal preference right about then. He pressed on my heart until I could utter the words, "Yes , sir, I would be pleased. But I have one little problem. I don't have a hairbrush."
"I have one in my bag," he responded. I went around to the back of that wheelchair, and I got on my hands and knees and unzipped the stranger's old carry-on, hardly believing what I was doing. I stood up and started brushing the old man's hair. It was perfectly clean, but it was tangled and matted. I don't do many things well, but must admit I've had notable experience untangling knotted hair mothering two little girls.
Like I'd done with either Amanda or Melissa in such a condition, I began brushing at the very bottom of the strands, remembering to take my time not to pull. A miraculous thing happened to me as I started brushing that old man's hair. Everybody else in the room disappeared. There was no one alive for those moments except that old man and me. I sound so strange, but I've never felt that kind of love for another soul in my entire life. I believe with all my heart, I-for that few minutes-felt a portion of the very love of God. That He had overtaken my heart for a little while like someone renting a room and making Himself at home for a short while. The emotions were so strong and so pure that I knew they had to be God's.
His hair was finally as soft and smooth as an infant's. I slipped the brush back in the bag, went around the chair to face him. I got back down on my knees, put my hand on his knees and said, "Sir, do you know my Jesus?"
He said, "Yes, I do." Well that figures, I thought. He explained, "I've known Him since I married my bride. She wouldn't marry me until I got to know the Savior." He said, "You see, the problem is, I haven't seen my bride in months. I've had open-heart surgery, and she's been too ill to come see me. I was sitting here thinking to myself, what a mess I must be for my bride."
Only God knows how often He allows us to be part of a divine moment when we're completely unaware of the significance. This, on the other hand, was one of those rare encounters when I knew God had intervened in details only He could have known. It was a God moment, and I'll never forget it. Our time came to board, and we were not on the same plane. I was deeply ashamed of how I'd acted earlier and would have been so proud to have accompanied him on that aircraft.
I still had a few minutes, and as I gathered my things to board, the airline hostess returned from the corridor, tears streaming down her cheeks. She said, "That old man's sitting on the plane sobbing, Why did you do that? What made you do that?"
I said, "Do you know Jesus? He can be the bossiest thing!" And we got to share. I learned something about God that day. He knows if you're exhausted because you're hungry, you're serving in the wrong place or it is time to move on, but you feel too responsible to budge. He knows if you're hurting or feeling rejected. He knows if you're sick of drowning under a wave of temptation. Or He knows if you just need your hair brushed. He sees you as an individual. Tell Him your need!
I got on my own flight, sobs choking my throat, wondering how many opportunities just like that one had I missed along the way...all because I didn't want people to think I was strange. God didn't send me to that old man. He sent that old man to me.
John 1:14 "The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth."
Life shouldn't be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body, but rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly shouting, "Wow! What a ride! Thank you, Lord!"
I just got home from a long "weekend" -- Thursday evening through today. I was in South Carolina attending the Women of Faith conference in Charlotte, NC.
Wow. I mean, Wow! It was a powerful time of amazing speakers, beautiful worship and fun. Sandi Patty, Patsy Clairmont, Lucie Swindoll, Chonda Pierce, Marilyn Meberg,Thelma Wells and Sheila Walsh. Every one of them had something significant to teach me. There was so much to soak in that I'm still processing all that I learned over the weekend. I will post about some the most consequential things God spoke to me about in the next few days. But I'm just way too exhausted right now. I need to get some sleep before work tomorrow!
It's one of the downsides to being single. Sometimes you see some romantic little scene and realize what you're missing. Or you see something beautiful and realize the only one around to share it with is... God.
Not that He's not a sensational conversationalist and very receptive to compliments of His work. But sometimes it would just be nice to have a good strong man to share the moment with.... or the rest of my life...
, that you'll never know if a moment is "divine" or just ordinary until you step into it. They both look just the same from the outside. For the most part I agree. But I have also found in my own life that God makes it pretty clear at times that this particular moment staring you in the face is divine. Sadly, my fear gets the best of me more often than not, and I don't step into those moments. Instead, I just watch them pass, never to know the amazing God-moments I could have been a part of. Beth didn't do that.
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