A Voice of Hope

Katharine with an A Equals Lu with no O

Another silly quiz for you. I'm not a fan of OkCupid.com, but this one particular quiz (HT: SistaSmiff) looked so interesting on Sista's site that I had to put up with the crazy "sign in/sign up" crap (did not at all remember my password!) so I could see what the results of my own personal Classic Dames Quiz would look like. I gotta say, I'm very pleased. If I could pick one person from Hollywood's past to emulate, it'd be Katharine Hepburn. Not just her style and class (though for some reason this quiz said she nor I had any class at all. Bah. Ridiculous!), but also her wit, intelligence, and independence.

I'm amazed that she was able to live her life on her terms, never marrying (though privately -- or not so privately -- carrying on a long-term affair with the married but separated Spencer Tracy), and never -- as far as I know -- seen as a freak (or rumored to be lesbian, as is sadly the case today for any single woman over a certain age), nor ever even giving a damn whether she was seen as a freak by society. She was practical, witty, intelligent, classy, talented, independent, and beautiful. How can you beat that combination?

I wish that it were true that Katharine-with-an-a equals Lu-with-no-o, but I can only hope and pray that someday I on my best day will have even half of what Kate had on her worst.

Lord, be merciful and kind and let me be my own version of a Katharine Hepburn; leaving a spiritual legacy as powerful and dynamic as was Katherine's film and cultural one.

You are the fabulously quirky and independent woman of character. You go your own way, follow your own drummer, take your own lead. You stand head and shoulders next to your partner, but you are perfectly willing and able to stand alone. Others might be more classically beautiful or conventionally woman-like, but you possess a more fundamental common sense and off-kilter charm, making interesting men fall at your feet. You can pick them up or leave them there as you see fit. You share the screen with the likes of Spencer Tracy and Cary Grant, thinking men who like strong women.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 26% on grit

You scored higher than 94% on wit

You scored higher than 58% on flair

You scored higher than 0% on class

Check it out and see which Classic Dame you are. But  be warned, OkCupid.com insists you sign up before it will give you your results (it's free). Frustrating, but worth it if you're into this crazy stuff.

Velocity, Attitude, Inclination

Where did the month go? I can't believe it's seven days (less than that, really) till Christmas. It seems time goes by faster and faster the older I get.

Sorry for the silence here.  I know some of you check almost daily and I really appreciate your faithfulness. I have so much to say, but I've been so busy with school and shopping and Christmas stuff that I haven't had any time to write. But I thought I'd take a quick moment to just give an update.

First off, I'm still singing the Mind Algebraic ---well, really it's the Mind Mathematics/Quantitative Literacy. I've worked on basic mathematics concepts, algebra, trigonometry, critical thinking... right now I'm working on geometry, and in the next week or so I'll start statistics. My frustration with it waxes and wanes with the level of complexity and difficulty -- which is usually toward the end of the chapters. I am just not a naturally left-brained person. Though I am learning to adjust and think that way, ever so sllooooowly. The most exciting part has been realizing I really can do it. Trig is my favorite so far. I really like all the triangle puzzle stuff. I don't know why you would want to know or care about all that, but it can be fun stuff to chew on...... ohmigosh, I didn't just say that, did I?? I didn't just say I'm actually enjoying a part of math! What is happening to me. It must be the Christmas season infecting me.

Speaking of, I stated in an earlier post that this is the first time in many years that I've actually been excited to celebrate Christmas and I realized recently I didn't fully explain. I won't go into great detail here, most of you know the hell I went through a few years back anyway. The holidays have been painful ever since. And, truthfully, my first (and only for a while) Christmas overseas was also difficult, but not as much so as the four years that followed. Those four years I didn't decorate my home, didn't get a Tree, even listening to Christmas music was painful -- to say nothing of seeing the decorations, shopping for gifts in decked-out malls or unwittingly catching a holiday movie on television. I avoided them like the plague; "It's a Wonderful Life" was the worst. Can you imagine trying to avoid seeing that during the Christmas season? Yeah, impossible. But it was just too painful to see people living out a happily-ever-after ending when I felt so completely that I would never have that.

I think the holidays are harder to survive for single people after the deaths of parents than it is for those who are married and have a family of their own. You really do feel like an orphan with no parents and no home to "go home" to; as well as feeling like a fifth-wheel at the family celebrations of siblings. Fortunately I have an amazing sister who welcomed me with open arms and made me feel not only welcome but truly wanted. I rarely feel like a fifth wheel there.

I think the break-through I had at Easter had ripple effects far wider than I thought. Because as the holidays approached this year I began to feel excitement instead of depression. And that has just grown and even exploded at times. I'm truly enjoying and savoring every moment of this Christmas season. It's just been amazing. And I realized recently that I have emerged from this time of pain and sadness with a totally different perspective, and a new paradigm.

From Childhood on, Christmas for me was about the lights and the decorations, the Christmas programs (school and church) and caroling, the music, the family gatherings, the parties and the blustery chill of a Southern California December. I have a storehouse full of wonderful memories of this time of year. But it was mostly about the season; about the American version of Christmas rather than the deeper reality of what it is we are celebrating. Oh, I knew about Bethlehem and baby Jesus and all that. And it wasn't that I didn't acknowledge that or spend time meditating and thanking God for His gift. I did, but never on such a profound level.

This year I connected with that Truth, that reality of who Jesus is and the sacrifice He made for me, on a profoundly deep and intimate level and it has radically changed who I am and how I see life. Christmas for me now is about celebrating the birth of the most amazing Gift God ever gave me; the gift of Abundant Life in Jesus. The rest of it -- lights, music, movies, smells, etc -- is just delicious icing. I am humbled beyond words that He, the Almighty, Most Holy, One True Living God would love me so much that He would willingly lay aside all His glory and majesty and become a little helpless human baby, and subject Himself to all the pain and crap we humans put upon each other. He didn't have to do that. He is the Creator of the universe; He could have created a different way of salvation. But He didn't. He chose the hard way. And we get to give each other gifts, race with other mall patrons for parking spaces, and fight with other shoppers for that last Nintendo Wii all because of His all-consuming love for us. I am in awe at the unfailing, unending generosity and grace of God.

I am so blessed. I have so much in the way of physical and monetary provision that many around the world do not have. But even if God allows all of that to be taken from me, I will still be incredibly blessed. I know Love and Abundant Life -- I dwell within them! I wake every morning to my Redeemer, my Beloved singing to me and I fall asleep every night to His whispers of His love, protection and grace. I have been forgiven for things I never thought were forgivable and I have found my meaning and purpose in simply living every moment intimately connected to God.

This is what I celebrate this Christmas. This is what compels me to gift a gift, to decorate my home and my cube at work, to sing Christmas songs, drive around the mall till a parking spot opens up, and watch endless rounds of "It's a Wonderful Life" and cry with sympathetic pain, and abiding joy every single time. God is good. God. Is. Good. And I am blessed beyond measure!

Happy Christmas everyone. May your Christmas be filled with the most profound Joy and abiding Peace you have every known. And may you see Jesus in a new, more intimate way.

Mixing, Draft Posts, & General Randomness

Random thoughts swimming in my head, in no particular order.

I miss mixing sound for worship services. But I also don't miss it.

I miss the team camaraderie and the tight bonds of friendship formed between worship team members, including the sound team. I miss the feeling I get every time the worship team start really grooving, when the sound all comes together and you can hear everything perfectly. When I listen to the tunes that first compelled me to become a sound engineer -- like I've been doing a lot recently -- or to other songs from more recent years (aka not from the 80s) that are astoundingly well-mixed, I remember why I wanted to be a recording engineer so bad. There is nothing in this world, nothing, like listening to really great music perfectly mixed really loud on really big speakers. That is just THE Bomb! Man. I've said it before and I'll say it till I die, recording engineers and front-of-house (FOH) mixers have THE best jobs in the world. -----I also miss the freedom I feel to really cut loose and worship when I'm behind the sound board. For some reason I just don't feel that freedom when I'm just sitting in the congregation... weird.

But I don't miss the early, early mornings for setting up or the long hours from set up to tear down. And I don't miss the stress of trying to figure out what's buzzing or where the white noise (that's loud static, for all you non-sound peeps) that just suddenly appeared came from (as happened last night at our church's worship & prayer event; however, I did quickly figure out it was coming from the "house" system and not our church's one -- you can take the girl out from behind the board... ). And I don't miss the feeling of stupidity that slaps me in the face every time I'm faced with a question about technical stuff or expectations of fixing equipment. It's the technical aspect that kills me every time. I just can't seem to wrap my mind around it. ----- Some times I think I'll join the sound team at my "new" church  (been here nearly a year... how long is a church "new" anyway?). But then I think of the down sides and my technically-challenged self chickens out.

---Thought break---

I have a ton of posts in draft form and in various stages of unwritten-ness. The problem? So much to say, and so little ability to say it succinctly. So I tinker and edit and add and delete -- and rinse and repeat. I'm hopeful most will eventually find their way to the "Publish" section of my post list. But right now they are, in all their draftiness, really bothering me. I don't like things half-done....

PS -- Marti, Alycelee -- that 10-20-30 post is coming, I promise!

---A few other random thoughts---

There are times when I really love being single. This is one of them -- though I can't fully express why. I just am really enjoying the freedom and the privileges that come with not being married. It's a nice feeling.

"Acceptance with Joy" -- the flower's name in "Hinds' Feet On High Places" has been on my mind a lot lately. I heard a statement last week about acceptance that said, "If you are disturbed by something, it means you find some person, action, place or thing unacceptable." And that made me think of that little flower, and Much Afraid's declaration, after considering all the twists and turns in her path to the High Places, and the desert she now found herself in: "behold, I am Thy handmaiden Acceptance with Joy!"

This really, really disturbs me (yes, it is something I find unacceptable), but I have yet been able to finish my post regarding my thoughts on it. I was at first so angry I felt sick. Now I'm just very sad. And concerned for the future of the IMB.

I start my Quantitative Literacy classes tomorrow (Algebra, Geometry, Stats, and general mathematics literacy). Pray for me! Math makes my brain go all fuzzy, and my normal intelligent self tends to disappear in favor of a glassy-eye, drooling zombie (not unlike Ben Stein’s students in Ferris Bueller).Pray for me (and my poor instructor)!

Final random thought for the night: This verse really smacked me in the face yesterday morning. I realized my gratitude to and love for God isn't translating into generosity, and that stung rather a lot.

"But who am I, and who are my people, that we should be able to give as generously as this? Everything comes from you, and we have given you only what comes from your hand." -- King David, I Chronicles 29:14

Cabana Night

Tonight/this morning I had my first official initiation to the Nashville club scene, complete with drinks bought by a stranger new friend acquaintance. I stuck to diet coke as I was the designated driver for the evening (my first initiation to the bar scene in town was my first couple of weeks here when I went honky tonkin' along lower Broad).

The place was Cabana, a very popular hot spot for those who want to see and be seen (not my kind of scene), with a stop at Sunset Grill for Midnight Nachos. The occasion was my friend Sarah's 21st birthday. We had a great time! She was so excited to finally get her first legal drink in Nashville she could hardly contain herself (she spent last summer in school in London and had her first official legal drinks of her young life in a very cool old London pub).

I'm not into the bar/club scene. I've never enjoyed going someplace where the music (or acoustics) is too loud to hear the person that's screaming in your ear and where the main source of entertainment is alcohol. I'm not into the honky tonk scene here, either, even though there is incredible music to be had, because I can't stand the drunk guys that try so hard to hit on me but are so drunk that all they end up doing is spitting beer in my face as they try to form their words. Blech. Tootsies is cool once or twice. After that it's just too loud, too smelly and too crowded. I'd rather sit on the porch of Jack's Bar-B-Que and watch the Ryman alley traffic.

But Sarah was having a ball! She was just so excited to be 21 (remember that feeling?? Ah youth...). I had a great time watching her. I swear I think every guy in the place wanted to buy her a drink. She is too cute for words. Look out Nashville!

Sometimes Life is Perfect

Or at least as close as you can get on this earth. Right now is one of those times.

I got off work early, so I'm already home, and in my favorite comfy clothes; curled up on my wonderful sofa under my favorite blanket, a mug of hot chai nearby, watching Oprah on the set of "Grey's Anatomy". Outside its a brisk, cloudy fall evening, with a carpet of leaves and the smells of wood burning in fireplaces all over the neighborhood.  I can see the amazing reds, blues and purples of the sunset through my living room window. I don't have any homework to do over the weekend, and no big plans to interrupt a perfect couple of days of rest.  I don't think it gets much better than this.

Pajama Day

Its 5:30pm and I'm still in my pjs. Its the first Saturday in over a month that I haven't had some place to be, something I had to do or someone I had to meet up with.

These are my favorite kind of Saturdays; spent reading, sleeping and catching up on TiVo-ed recordings of the week. I never got them growing up. My parents thought to spend a day this way was a waste of time. That is, until they retired and spent most days reading and napping, when they weren't traveling and seeing the U.S. from their truck and trailer. They just weren't like me.

Me? I need downtime. I need time alone. I mean, A-Lone. Me, myself and I -- and God. No one else. No friends, no parents, no roommates. I have rarely had this kind of time, mostly because I have rarely lived alone. I had roommates from the time I moved out of my parents' home till I moved overseas in 2003 -- except when I briefly had an apartment of my own in my late twenties, more out of need than of choice.

As an adult I always felt guilty for sleeping in on Saturdays and holidays, as most of my roommates were like my parents, either extroverts who were filled with energy by being with people or filled with conviction that a day not filled with activities was a day wasted. I grew up believing that my feelings and choices were basically bad, or not allowed at all, so I spent my life pretty much like Julia Roberts' character in "Runaway Bride" -- taking on the attitudes, beliefs and fancies of those I most wanted to be loved by and denying my own desires to the point I didn't even know what they were. I spent my life believing my longing to spend the day in my pjs just kicking back and reading or napping was at the very least selfish and shameful, not to mention sinful. Most of my roommates, I can pretty much guarantee, to this day think I'm crazy to want to spend a Saturday the way I have today.

But that's okay. I think they are the crazy ones to want to start a day off work getting up at 6am and going strong and hard all day. To me that's not relaxing. Nor is it fun; especially when you're just going to go. You know, to just be busy. And especially when the long day isn't followed by a day of real rest.

Yet that's the way I spent most of my days throughout much of my adult life. I got up not  because I was ready or I wanted to, but because I could hear my roommates up and felt embarrassed that they might be thinking that I'm so incredibly lazy. Yes, sounds crazy. But to me, what people thought of me was much more important than what I wanted. And what they thought of me determined what I thought of myself.  told you: "Runaway Bride".

That's not to say I don't enjoy days I get up early and go-go-go. I had a wonderful time working hard and long at Jenn's charity event two weeks ago. And I had an incredible time attending Rosh Hashanah services with my friend Donna at her reformed synagogue last Saturday morning. Its just that I come away from it exhausted and longing for a "real" Saturday; one where I can just chill out and not go anywhere.

The crazy thing is, its taken me until I was nearly 41 years old (and two years of counseling) to really embrace this part of me and recognize that I am not sinning or wasting a day by spending the day as I have today, reading and napping and just hangin' out. This is part of who I am, part of who God made me to be. Perhaps what they say about life in your 40s is true: you really do finally get comfortable with who you are and start not caring about what other people think. ---Truthfully, I think its more the effects of my counseling, more about God using that time to transform me and teach me how to accept who I He made me to be, rather than an effect of age... but that's just me.

I'm a huge introvert with a huge heart and love for people. My dad once pointed that out to me years ago, saying that I had been blessed and cursed with inheriting dichotomous aspects of both my parent's personalities, but I couldn't really understand it or embrace and comprehend the complexity of it then. My mom was such a people lover, and a huge extrovert. Huge. Dad was a huge introvert. It's a testament to their love for God, His love for them and their willingness to partner with Him and with each other in this thing called marriage that they stayed together for 61 years of marriage, only separated by their deaths. I had the blessing (which sometimes feels like a curse) to be given dad's introversion and mom's huge heart for people.

People exhaust me. Being with them drains me of energy that can only be recouped by being alone. But people also fill my heart with unspeakable joy and deep pleasure. I love them and long to be with them. Finding the balance between my desperate need for alone time to rest and recharge and my desperate love for people and longing to know them deeper and more intimately has been a life-long struggle. But now that I live alone, I'm beginning to find that balance.

And the freedom (from self-condemnation) to have my pajama days and fully embrace and enjoy them. I'm finally recognizing that I am not wasting my day spending it the way I have today. In fact, I'm giving myself a much needed gift, a very good thing for my spirit and soul, as well as my mind and body.

I need the rest I got today. Between my age, my weight and the fact I'm titrating down to elimination my anti-depressant, my body needs even more this time to catch up on rest it's not getting during the week. And my soul needs time to contemplate, time to absorb what it's taken in, endured and experienced during the week. And my spirit, my sweet introverted spirit, just needs time to re-energize. I'm like my iPod. I need to be connected to my "source" and just left alone for a long while (in the case of my iPod and long, loooong while -- sheesh, 5 hours and counting!) to recharge my battery. My friend, Wendy, calls it Selah. A pause. I guess Saturdays like today, my pajama days, are my Selahs.

I need more of them.

Do you have Selahs in your life? What do they look like for you? Are they Pajama Days, or Park Days or Library Days? How do you pause, reflect and recharge?

Happy Birthday To Me

Today I enter my 41st year on this earth.

At 7:41am central time on September 25, 1965 I made my grand entrance into this world. My dad was in Vietnam. My oldest sister was off at college. And my mom had been in the hospital for several days, since I had threatened to come during Wednesday night Bible study (my mom, Chaplain's wife to the core, refused to leave until Bible study was over), but changed my mind shortly thereafter.

That's a pattern I continued all through my life, changing my mind. Frequently and often. Though not many people really know that. I tend to think a lot before I speak, which generally helps. Though it has been my downfall from time-to-time. But I digress.

It's kinda funny, really. I used to look at the "40s" as being old. But I don't feel old. I still feel like a freshman in high school, all geeky and goofy-looking but like I've got the world by the... well... and my whole life is in front of me.

I still feel that way. Well, except for the last part. I don't feel like I've got my "whole" life in front of me anymore. I feel like it's mostly behind me. Whether that's really true or not is yet to be determined.

Ah, the dreams I had of where I would be, who I would be, by the time I was in my 40s. And how far I am from any of them! In my early 30s I was convinced that by the time I was 41 I would be married, with at least one or two children. I'd be living in LA, a stay-at-home mom with a big house and a dog or two. My husband would be a doctor, or a writer-producer (told you I changed my mind often). By the time I reached my late thirties, I was thinking more of marrying another missionary, or someone in ministry somewhere. But the kids thing was still very much in the dream.

In my late 20s I definitely saw myself as married long before I turned 40, with a husband/writing partner on a successful television show -- and three or four kids running around too.

In my late teens early 20s I couldn't even conceive of my 40s -- but I know the dream was to be married with six kids, and several Grammys, Oscars and Tonys decorating my mantles around my huge home in Malibu. I still believed I could be Olivia Newton-John, Patti LuPone and Debbie Reynolds all rolled into one.

My, how different my life turned out. Not that I'm complaining. Those were nice dreams. But that's all they were. Dreams. Fantasies. Real Life is so much different. And, for the most part, so much better.

41. No kids. No husband. No boyfriend. No big house. No shiny awards. I'm not even working in entertainment anymore (unless this blog counts as "entertainment"; if so, I'm grossly underpaid and need to unionize NOW).

I'm extremely grateful to God for unrealized dreams. Not that kids and husbands and big houses and awards aren't great to have (or want). It's just that I look around at my life and I'm satisfied. I like where I am at this moment. I don't want to stay here forever, but I like it for right now. I'm grateful I don't have children. More for them than for me. I look at who I was back then, even just two or three years ago, and I know I would have inflicted much pain and brokenness on their young hearts and minds. Not that I won't still should God create a new miracle and give me a child in my "old age". But I've learned so much about who am really am, in God's eyes, and what really matters, that I think the damage I'll inflict will be much, much less than it would have been had I had those six children in my 20s that I dreamed of and so longed for.

And while having a husband, a partner, to share my life with would truly be a blessing, I'm so grateful he's not in my life yet. I couldn't be the wife and partner and lover he deserves, not then, and perhaps not even yet. I'm still dealing with some stuff that needs to be resolved, needs healing, before I'll be there.

And truthfully, I really love being single. I couldn't always say that. I don't know that I could ever really say that and have it be the truth. I know I wanted to believe I was happy being single, but the truth is that I spent most of my adult years dreaming and fantasizing of my "knight in shining armor," rather than living the life in front of me. I didn't really give myself the chance to be single, in body, spirit and mind because my mind and spirit were always elsewhere, pining to be married.

(Boy does my grammar suck in this post -- I just started two paragraphs with "And" and I have no desire, or ideas how, to change it. I'm either getting old in my head too, or getting more rebellious -- yeah, probably both.)

While I miss my friends in Hollywood, and I miss working on the Paramount lot especially, I don't miss the constant popularity contest of that world. I don't miss feeling like I was perpetually back in high school and was once again not in the in crowd, but desperately wanting to be. The corporate world of health care (is there another industry in which to work in Nashville, besides music??) is just as filled with politics -- which, if Friday is any indication, I'm completely failing at still; but that's another story -- but it isn't as high school-ish as Hollywood is. And the politics are easier to ignore, because, unlike television, sometimes what we are dealing with really is life-and-death-brain-surgery stuff.

I'm so grateful I didn't realize those dreams of success in the Industry, of Grammys and Oscars and Tonys. Can you imagine? None of that success, none of those awards would have made a difference in who I really am, down inside, and how broken I was and still am. It just would have made it that much harder to admit my brokenness and need for redemption and transformation at the deep level God has provided.

Had all those dreams been realized, I would not be able to live the life I have now. No, it's not a perfect life. I will probably spend my birthday evening alone (plans fell through late last night) catching up on my TiVo's activities after a day filled with budget frustrations and constantly changing numbers at work. My dreams for a hybrid car and a couple acres of land to call my own still elude me. My longing for a life partner is still unmet. My Weight Watchers plans all went to crap this week and the only present I'll probably get today will be the iPod I'm planning to buy myself after work tonight.

But you know what? I still have an awesome life. I have this wonderful little place that is all my own. A place where I feel safe, not just physically but emotionally. I didn't realize that I'd never really felt that before; not until recently. I'm a safe person for me to be alone with -- I've never been that before. Too much self-beating and emotional self-abuse.

I have a wonderful little car, a complete gift from God! I have family and friends who love me (even though most are a couple thousand miles away), a God who adores me and a few dear friends who truly believe in me.

Most of all, I'm finally discovering who I really am. For the first time I'm finally truly delving into all the parts of me I so carefully avoided for fear of offending someone I loved and losing their love and I'm staring it all down, studying me from every angle and learning who and what I am, from the inside out. Perhaps that's really my birthday gift this year: Me.

New Post on Turning 40

New post on my Turning 40 blog. Check it out!

It Is Finished

A week after it began, my car search is over. I'm heaving a big sigh of relief.

Yes, I committed myself to a 5-year loan, but my payments are under $300/mo (by $20) and I paid the amount out the door that I wanted. And I got a brand spankin' new car (23 miles when I drove it off the lot) which will last me for-ever (I drove my last one of these for 10 years). I stood up to the sales people and won. Yippee!

Okay, truthfully, I had a lot of help. My friend Natalie's husband works in the car sales industry. He called a friend who pulled in a favor from another friend and got me a sahweeeeeet sweet deal.

Everyone listen up. Go see Corey at Crest Honda and buy a car from him. He deserves all the commissions he can get. He's a good, good man.

Oh, and here's my new car. Except mine is red, of course!

Oh, what a wonderful God we have! How great are his riches and wisdom and knowledge! How impossible it is for us to understand his decisions and his methods! For who can know what the Lord is thinking? Who knows enough to be his counselor? And who could ever give him so much that he would have to pay it back? For everything comes from him; everything exists by his power and is intended for his glory. To him be glory evermore. Amen.

Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship.

Romans 11:33-12:1

Amending My Hopes and Plans

Ever had to do this? Ever had to amend your dreams because reality cut in on your dance? It kinda sucks. But, that's life I guess.

I called the bank yesterday afternoon and got a reality check. Turns out I hadn't really been allowing enough for taxes/registration, etc. So the amount of car I can afford went down a couple of thousand. A new car is pretty much out of the picture at this point. And some of the cars I'd been looking at are definitely out.

It was sooo cool to get so many comments yesterday -- and from some I hadn't heard from in a while too!! Yippee! Thanks everyone for the great comments/conversation. I so appreciate any and all advice and ideas I can get on this one! Never does the single life feel as lonely as when I have to make a huge decision like this. Yuck. On the other hand, I don't have to compromise with someone else on what I want. Which is a very good and fun thing. I just have to compromise with the bank and my finances. Which  brings me back to the point of this post.

My dream car has been a Prius for about a year now. A Honda hybrid just hasn't been as appealing, but it still makes a good second choice. However, they have just priced them completely out of my range. It makes me so angry at times. How will we ever be able to gain our freedom from gas-dependence and from OPEC as long as car companies insist on overpricing hybrids and leaving the common middle-to-working class buyer completely out of the market? We are the ones who do the most driving. Back and forth to work. Back-and-forth. Back-and-forth. Grrr. And with gas prices as crazy as they are, and promising to get crazier as life goes on with no hope of ever coming back to sanity, hybrids or at least really good mileage cars, are a moral and financial imperative. This is when capitalism drives me nuts. Normally I'm a huge fan of the free-market capitalist society. But times like this, when big companies call the shots and us regular people suffer the consequences and pay the price -- literally -- I'm about ready to call for government regulation. An absolute sin in the Republican/Conservative word. But who cares about politics when I'm trying to buy a good car?? Certainly not me.

I don't know how so many people are able to afford cars to begin with. Man, they are expensive! I think I earn a decent living. I earn much, much more than when I first started yet. Yet I can still barely afford a new Civic. It's unbelievable.

Now, granted, I'm trying not to finance more than about $14k at the most. But still, you would think that for $19-$20K out the door I should be able to get a really good, mid-luxury kind of car. You know, something that's more than a beginner buyer out of college would get. Something like a new Camry or Accord. But nope. Those are WAYYYYY out of my league. Unless I want to pay over $300/month. Which I think is outrageous. I'm looking at keeping my payments between $275-$290/mo which is as low as I can seem to get them in order to get a nice car with low miles. But even then, I'm looking at 3-year old cars. I could get a lower monthly payment by getting an older, or less appealing car. But, dang man! I'm 40 years old. I want to drive something nice and reliable. Not just something that doesn't cost a lot. Aaaaauugggghhhh.

Perhaps my thinking is out of whack with reality, I don't know. Do most people pay that much a month for a car? That just seems crazy to me.

Part of the problem, too, is that I really want to save money and start going to college in the next year. I need to not spend that much on a car each month, so I can put some aside for school/savings.

And part of the problem is I just hate debt. And the thought of being so in debt for a car just freaks me a little. But I guess that's just something I have to get over in this new world of overpricing.

Now I'm looking at buying a used car. One with low miles and good reputation. Still looking at the Element. Still looking at the Acura I was in the last post. Still considering the Dodge. I've now added a used Beetle Convertible I found at Carmax or a new hard top I could afford -- the woman at my bank's negotiations office suggested that one.

I never did well with constantly shifting options. I don't exactly know why. Is it my personality or something else? Whatever the reason, I tend to do better when I have more time to consider and then less time to deal with anxiety when the time comes to implementing my plans -- in this case buying the car.

I keep clinging to God's promises to be with me and to provide for my needs. But I still suffer from a good strong case of the nerves. So many things to think about, so little time to really mull them over (Yeah, I guess I'm a big "J" after all, Wendy).  I get scared that I'll later regret my purchase, regret spending so much each month on my car.

And lest you think I'm just freaking out because it's a car. Ha. Let me set you straight. I freak out at any large purchase. And at every major commitment. I freaked at committing to 4 years on a team that I'd not spent any time with overseas --- turned out I was right to do so, but that's a story for another post. I freaked out when the SBC office I was temping for told me if they hired me they wanted me to make a 3-4 year commitment to the job (what the....????). Needless to say, I didn't say yes. I will probably freak when my future husband asks me to marry him. It's just the whole idea of not having an escape clause, just in case I get into something and discover its a complete hornets nest and I need out fast.

Man, I sound like a control freak, huh. Perhaps I am. But God seems bent on changing this whole facet of my personality. Or at least loosening me up. Pretty much my whole life for the last 6 years has been one long constant stepping out in faith, facing my fears head-on and and choosing to trust God for the seeming impossible. I don't take much time to look back and marvel at where I came from. The present always seems to captivate my attention and keep me tied up in concern -- and occasionally, awe. But every once in a while, I look back in wonder and amazement at all He brought me through, all He's done for me and all I have become since the new millennium began.

The night my car died, God took me back to an old, once familiar passage that I hadn't looked at in a while, Romans 5:1-11

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God's wrath through him! For if, when we were God's enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life! Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.

"Since we were reconciled, how much more...." It rang through my head. And my heart. I heard God whisper, "how much more will I give you, my precious daughter! How much more will I provide. I met you at your point of need even before you knew you needed. Just because I adore you. How much more will I give you now that you know your are My beloved and are committed to becoming all I dream for you? How much more!"

And that's what I cling to right now. That's what I use to calm my fears and settle my nerves. I just keep crying out to Him, "Help me choose the best!" and believing in "how much more" He has for me.