A Voice of Hope

Epic Fail, Epic Redemption

Me:

I'm so sorry, Papa. Please, will you have mercy on me? I made a big mess of things. I quit worshiping You and started worshiping myself. I thought I knew best; I thought I could solve this one on my own, so I left You out of the mix. But, instead, I just... made a mess.

Papa:

I know, Sweetpea. It's okay, We'll fix it. Nothing is beyond Our ability to redeem.

Me:

Papa? (pause) Why did You create us humans when You knew we would fail so epically so much of the time?

Papa:

Because that's what makes Life so good, so rich. It's that epic failure that allows Us to restore and redeem, and draws you deeper into Our embrace, into the folds of Our enveloping garments of praise. With every epic fail, We restore and renew with Epic Redemption!

Come now; tuck in to Our embrace. Feel Our strength and be renewed. It's okay. Nothing is beyond Our ability to redeem.

**Painter unknown: I nabbed the picture from Emily Hunter McGowin's 2007 post, Sometimes, this is all I can say...

Hope - a Psalm

 ^1-2 Long enough, God— you've ignored me long enough.
   I've looked at the back of your head
      long enough. Long enough
   I've carried this ton of trouble,
      lived with a stomach full of pain.
   Long enough my arrogant enemies
      have looked down their noses at me.

 ^3-4 Take a good look at me, God, my God;
      I want to look life in the eye,
   So no enemy can get the best of me
      or laugh when I fall on my face.

 ^5-6 I've thrown myself headlong into your arms—
      I'm celebrating your rescue.
   I'm singing at the top of my lungs,

      I'm so full of answered prayers. (Psalm 13, The Message)

He is able, and He will rescue me. He is able, and He will rescue me.

In this I hope tonight. In this I believe. In this I cling to with all my might.

I need my God to rescue me, for I'm drowning in my own mess and my enemies are watching in delight.

Laughing, poking, kicking me while I'm down. Against them I cannot stand. Not alone.

Jesus, do You hear me? Jesus, will you come? Will I some day see You? Will I someday get to go Home?

He is able, and He will rescue me. He is able, and He will rescue me.

In this I hope tonight. In this I believe. In this I cling to with all my might.

He delights in me, and dances over me all day long. He is enthralled by my beauty and knows every note of my unique song.

Therefore I will hope. I will Hope. I will Hope in Him and no one else. Hope in Him and nothing else. He is able and He will come.

Worship as an Act of Faith

I'll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness,
   the taste of ashes, the poison I've swallowed.
I remember it all—oh, how well I remember—
   the feeling of hitting the bottom.
But there's one other thing I remember,
   and remembering, I keep a grip on hope:

 God's loyal love couldn't have run out,
   his merciful love couldn't have dried up.
They're created new every morning.
   How great your faithfulness!
I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over).
   He's all I've got left.

 God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits,
   to the woman who diligently seeks.
It's a good thing to quietly hope,
   quietly hope for help from God.
It's a good thing when you're young
   to stick it out through the hard times. Lamentations 3:19-27

Last night I went to "Before The Throne" at my church. It was an extended time of worship preceded by a brief teaching. The focus this week was Worship as an Act of Faith. That is, worshiping God for what He is going to do, not just what He has done.

I don't do that so good. I'm great at worshiping Him for who He is and what He's done, but what He's yet to do....? Not so much. Mainly because, in all honesty, I don't really trust that He will do it. So I take the cowardly way out and wait till He does.

Last night, though, I made a decision. A choice. I choose to believe the promises He's given me. I choose to believe for the dreams and hopes and desires He's placed in my heart. Though it take my lifetime, I will worship Him for what He will do. Until He comes through for me or until He tells me to stop, I will worship Him for what He will do.

As we were singing and focusing on God, He gave me this image; put this image in my mind. It was of Him taking out my heart and replacing it with a fresh one -- a new, vibrant, strong bright red one. And then He breathed into me, not just over me or on me, but into me. Like CPR. New heart for new breath -- or new breath for new heart -- like new a wineskin for new wine.

I saw so clearly in that moment that, now, every breath I breathe is from Him. They all come from that one breath He breathed into and over me.

He held me tight in His arms for a while, like a mother holds her crying, hurting toddler. Like my mom always held me when I was crying and hurting. And as if to really drive His love-point home, the band then led us in singing "What a Friend We Have in Jesus," one of my mom's favorite hymns. I couldn't even sing; just stood there and wept. This time not out of missing my mom, though. This time I cried because I felt His love so profoundly - and my mom's love so clearly too. It was as if my mom was standing there holding me tight, caressing me the way she would and whispering that it's all going to be okay. Only I knew it wasn't my mom. It was God.

Then He looked me in the eyes and made it clear to me that I don't stop Him from doing anything He wants to do (I so often fear I've thwarted God's will or desires because of my own failings). He made it so very powerfully clear that I cannot stop Him, thwart Him, or keep His love or His will from invading my life and accomplishing His dreams for me (Romans 8 has been one of His constant words to me the last couple of weeks).

I believe God promises healing, recovery, wholeness. I also believe that God has a job where I can be of service and blessing to someone. But so often that belief gets buried under an avalanche of fear and doubt, worry and waffling. Perhaps the promises don't apply to me... perhaps there's some mark I've got to hit first and maybe I didn't jump high enough, believe hard enough, pray long enough, do enough. I waffle. I doubt. I fear that I'm not good enough.

But last night... I was never more convinced of His promises and His desires, to the core of my being, than I was last night, standing in the Barn before God's Throne, singing and crying out to Him.

One of the worship singers talked about fear; about how God may have us out on a ledge, feet half off hanging out into the air, and the fear we feel when we stare out into that nothingness. Lord do I know that fear! Absolute terror is what I've felt for months now --nearly half a year!

But this worship singer-leader said to us, "whatever it is He's asking you to do, where ever it is He's got you dangling your feet and staring out into the depths. Just step into it. Step off the ledge and into His will, into His arms, into the dark. Just step off."

So this is me stepping off the ledge, into the unknown, into His arms. Believing God for healing and wholeness. Believing God for recovery and redemption of all my crap. Believing God for a job, a place of service with my name on it. And worshiping Him for what He is going to do.

Mark 5 - Shedding the Mantle of (my) Shame

A woman in the crowd had suffered for twelve years with constant bleeding. She had suffered a great deal from many doctors, and over the years she had spent everything she had to pay them, but she had gotten no better. In fact, she had gotten worse. She had heard about Jesus, so she came up behind him through the crowd and touched his robe. For she thought to herself, “If I can just touch his robe, I will be healed.” Immediately the bleeding stopped, and she could feel in her body that she had been healed of her terrible condition.

Jesus realized at once that healing power had gone out from him, so he turned around in the crowd and asked,“Who touched my robe?”

His disciples said to him, “Look at this crowd pressing around you. How can you ask, ‘Who touched me?’”

But he kept on looking around to see who had done it.

Then the frightened woman, trembling at the realization of what had happened to her, came and fell to her knees in front of him and told him what she had done.

And he said to her, “Daughter, your faith has made you well. Go in peace. Your suffering is over.” -- vs 25 - 34

There's a saying: "act your way into feeling." For the longest time I didn't understand that phrase. I thought it encouraged deceit. Over the last year I've begun to truly apprehend what it means; I think I get it now.

I may not always feel forgiven; I may not always feel free from shame. But that doesn't change the fact that I am. I touched the hem of His garment and I have been made whole. That is the Truth that God speaks. I am free. So in those times that the feeling isn't there, when my emotions belie the Truth of who God says I am, I still need to act "as if" -- as if I felt it, as if I am convinced in the depths of my soul it is True. Because the fact is, it is.

I can choose whose voice I listen to; I can choose what I will believe. I never knew that before this year. I don't have to remain covered, buried, in the shame that has so enveloped me all my life just because I feel shame at this moment. I can choose to believe something different; choose to do something different.

So today I am. Right now I will. I will believe the Truth even though I don't feel it. I will act my way into feeling.

These Nicole C. Mullins songs have been on my iPod since I got back from Women of Faith last month. God used them to speak His love and infinite grace to me. They truly tell the story of my life; my shame-filled yet blessed-beyond-measure Life. And God continues to use them as reminders of the Truth of who I am in His eyes; and encourage me to keep acting my way into feeling. I thought I'd pass them along to you today, in case you need encouragement too.

One Touch

I Know My Redeemer Lives 

Call On Jesus

Doubts, Fears, and Other Night Monsters

So [Jesus] replied to the messengers, "Go back and report to John what you have seen and heard: The blind receive sight, the lame walk, those who have leprosy are cured, the deaf hear, the dead are raised, and the good news is preached to the poor. Blessed is the man who does not fall away on account of me."
---Luke 7:22-23.

Is God enough? Is He enough for me regardless of what circumstances I find myself in, what tragedies befall me, what "fate" awaits me in the future?

I've been having panic attacks. Whether they are more physiological than emotional, I cannot say. I'm more prone to them than the average person -- my autonomic nervous system is just a little out of whack, so that fight or flight instinct can kick into high gear for no reason. Add stress to the mix and its pretty much a sure bet it'll misfire. ----However, emotions could also be playing a role in this current round.... it's just too hard to tell at the moment.

The nights are the worst. That seems to be when every little terrible fear in my mind comes out to play, dancing in the firelight and casting huge shadows against the walls of my mind. They look like giants ready to swallow me. The later the hour gets, the more they dance, and the larger they look. And I become too terrified to sleep, I cannot focus on anything but their huge shadows dancing all around me. I once had a way to anesthetize myself so I didn't feel the fear of the shadows but I've let go of those old patterns and now must face the Night Monsters alone. It's hard. I'm a coward at heart; I'd rather run from what scares me than face it and shout it down.

God still comes to me when I cry out in fear, despite my struggle knowing who He really is right now. I still experience Him as I have so many times before; seeing/sensing Him -- sitting beside me, loving on me, gently swiping His thumb over my forehead, kissing my cheek -- and hearing His voice whispering His love to me. Yet I'm so afraid now that whatever I'm seeing and hearing is just my imagination, that I'm just making it up, that I struggle to let myself be comforted by Him. 

Isn't that crazy? I struggle to believe in the God I've been experiencing since a young child -- the head-god I talked of earlier -- yet I don't have any problem accepting the scary shadows on the wall as completely real. No doubts about nefarious shadows, huge doubts about a God who is so gentle and loving. Insanity.

Is God enough?

I love the story of John the Baptist from Luke 7 because John doubts too. This man, of whom Jesus later says, "I tell you, among those born of women there is no one greater than John..." (verse 28), this man who has been set apart by God, heard directly from God all his adult life, and seen Jesus do miraculous things, doubts Jesus; doubts His identity as the Messiah, the rescuer of his people.

And Jesus doesn't get mad. He doesn't sigh heavily and dramatically proclaim, 'oh ye of little faith.' Nor does He scold, or reprimand, or rebuke, or cut off contact. He just answers John; he says, "Yep. I still am the One. .... no, I'm not coming for you; I'm not rescuing you. And yes, I'm still the One."

I remember first being made aware of Jesus' response to John in Erwin's book, The Barbarian Way. Erwin's main point was that last sentence: "Blessed is the man who does not fall away on account of me."  In Barbarian he points out that God didn't rescue John from prison, or his fate: being beheaded by Herod (Matthew 14:1-12). If God didn't rescue John, He may very well not rescue us from our own prisons -- joblessness, poverty, homelessness, illness, paralysis, death... pick the struggle of your nightmares. He may not rescue you from it.

It is in that truth that my fears lie. It is also in that truth that lies grab hold of me and keep me trapped in that frightening cave with the dancing shadows.

Here's the thing:

Deconstructing God

Over the last month and a half I have been on a very difficult journey. One where I deconstruct  the god(s) I worship and seek the Truth; the True God. I have had an impossible time writing about this journey even in my private journal, so complicated and chaotic are my thoughts and inner turmoil. But several times I have tried to write posts about this struggle, only to abandon them later out of frustration. What follows is are pieces of this long journey, strung together here in an attempt to share with you what I've been about this last month or so. It is long, so I have more tagged it for those who would rather skip over the struggles and revelations of this little child of God. I hope, however, you will take the time to read it all. It was written for you.

John's disciples told him about all these things. Calling two of them, he sent them to the Lord to ask, "Are you the one who was to come, or should we expect someone else?" -- Luke  7:18-19

Amazing Words of Wisdom

I discovered this tonight on the MySpace blog of To Write Love on Her Arms... an amazing organization doing some great work for hurting people.

Personally, I think everyone should be in a 12-step program... we would all learn what it really means to live, really live life rather than rush and fake and anesthetize our way through it, to trust God and surrender our lives to His will, to make fearless inventories of our own wrongs, rather than all the wrongs of all those around us, and to be willing to go to any lengths to live the Big Life Story God dreams for us to live, rather than the little novellas we write for ourselves. We would recognize that life isn't about getting and having and becoming some kind of perfect. But that it is about relationship and progress; just being less of a jerk today than I was yesterday; less selfish today than yesterday, a little more aware of God's presence today than yesterday, a little closer to Him today than yesterday, and a little more tomorrow than today...

Anyway... this video gave me great encouragement... And so I share it in hopes it will do that same for you. Watch and stand in amazement at what God will do with a willing heart... (PS, the woman in the video is Renee -- the reason the founder started TWLOHA, I think -- who is talking about what she's learned in her two years of sobriety)

One Day at a Time

"If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.

"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes." -- Matt 6:30-34

Sometimes life just gets away from me. Some of those times I feel like I'm trying to catch a bus that's already pulling away from the curb. But other times, like this week, I feel like I'm on a roller-coaster. I'm on the ride -- not running beside trying to get on -- which is good, but the thing is going so fast and looping around so much I can't focus on anything. Not so good. And even though I'm securely strapped in, I feel very much like I'm going to fall out. Or at least lose everything in my pockets.

Know what I mean?

I used to think the phrase from which I pulled the title of this post was trite and irrelevant. How wrong I was! It's in times like this week, with work and school and church and my own emotional and spiritual healing and recovery  all clamoring for attention -- all needing my focus, my time, my energy -- that I learn that the only way I can get through and still maintain my sanity is to live one day at a time. And sometimes it's one hour at a time; one minute at a time; one second at a time----trusting God to take care of the minutes, hours, days, even months, to come because I just cannot think that far ahead without going crazy with fear.

It's hard to surrender control of my future to God. I want to be the Master of My Own Destiny! The Queen of my own Domain! Yet when I look back over my life, I realize that I'm not such a good Master, and an even worse queen (unless we're talking Drama!); and the Destiny and Domains I chose just aren't all that. Even so, I struggle with letting go.

I know it's illusion. I know I can't really control my destiny or my domain. Oh sure, I can make my plans, and spin my webs, and work-work-work like a dog to make it all work out the way I want. But in then end, it's all for naught. I cannot control the world, the economy, the government, my church, my friends, my bosses, my co-workers or the dorks on the road. I cannot control anything but me: my responses, my actions, my words, and my thoughts. I cannot control the wind or which way it blows. I can only adjust my sails to catch as much of it as I can and point my boat in the general direction I want to go.

Yet I try. So hard sometimes.

How do I steep my life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions? How to I surrender control of things I'm so used to blindly insisting I have control over? How do I give my entire attention to what God is doing right now when so many other things are clamoring for my attention? The only way I know how is to surrender one thing at a time and live one day at a time, one minute at a time.

How are you?

Un.Believable.

3.029..... The price of gas per gallon I paid tonight
32......... The temperature it was outside as I drove home tonight at 8:30pm
2.......... Pounds I keep playing with (not on purpose) for the last three months -- losing, then gaining, then losing again.
2.0/4.0... The score I do not want to see on my submitted work (3.0 is passing), but which I've seen on two out of the five sections of my final. Thank God I can resubmit with revisions!
4.0/4.0... The score I can't comprehend how I got on one of the sections of my final, but am not complaining that I got it.
30......... Number of days I've lived a whole new way of life, only with God's help, in His strength and through His power.

Life is crazy. God is good.

To Trust Him More

'Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just to take him at his word;
Just to rest upon his promise,
Just to know, "Thus saith the Lord."

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust him!
How I've proved him o'er and o'er!
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
O for grace to trust him more!

O how sweet to trust in Jesus,
just to trust his cleansing blood;
and in simple faith to plunge me
neath the healing, cleansing flood!

Yes, 'tis sweet to trust in Jesus,
just from sin and self to cease;
just from Jesus simply taking
life and rest, and joy and peace.

I'm so glad I learned to trust thee,
precious Jesus, Savior, friend;
and I know that thou art with me,
wilt be with me to the end.

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust him!
How I've proved him o'er and o'er!
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
O for grace to trust him more!

Words and Music by Louisa Stead

This song has been in my head for days, so I thought I'd put the lyrics up so it could be in yours too (aren't I sweet!).

This was one of my mom's favorite hymns. I remember many nights as a child hearing her play it on the piano after I'd gone to bed. She used to say her piano "practice" time -- after us kids were in bed and her chores were done for the evening -- was her worship time; her private time to worship God with her fingers, with her mind (as she sung the lyrics in her head, or out loud) and with her spirit. I fell asleep many nights to mom's piano worship, as she played her way through hymns and Bill Gaither songs. I can't think of a better way to slip into restful sleep. Perhaps that's why as an adult I so often use music to help me sleep; especially when I'm stressed.

Tonight I'm listening to Casting Crowns sing this old hymn. I'm remembering my mom. But I'm also thinking about my own life. And how God has proved Himself faithful over and over; proved Himself completely, utterly and unconditionally trustworthy. Yet I still struggle to trust Him with pieces of my heart and life. I pray for grace to trust Him more.