A Voice of Hope

Stalled, But Not

I haven't been very good at posting lately, have I?

I'm struggling with all the things blowing around in my mind, heart, soul. It's difficult enough to wrap my mind around them all, but to try to put them into words; well, that's nearly impossible.

I feel stalled at the moment. Stalled in my schoolwork, stalled in my inner life, and stalled here on the blog. An incredible tiredness has overtaken me and I find myself napping a lot.

I've been doing this intense work for a long time on my soul, my spirit, my heart.... whatever you may want to call that inner thing that determines our character, our point of view, our convictions, makes up who we are -- but that work got even more intense and laser focused about a year ago. I guess you can tell that a few months ago it really got difficult. So my life right now feels quite unsettled, confusing. I have a lot more questions than answers.

Yet I don't feel like I'm going in circles. At least not yet. I keep having dreams of driving up a steep hill fearful I'm not going to make it to the top ---- and while I know sometimes dreams don't mean anything, this is a definite metaphor for how I'm feeling in my waking life. I am going up a steep hill emotionally, mentally, and spiritually, and I'm afraid I won't make it to the top. But in the dream I always do, somehow, and that brings me hope for my waking soul. Some day I will make it; it's just a long, hard climb right now.

Part of why I've been silent here is because of all the questions and noise in my soul. I haven't been able to sort through my thoughts enough to put together a coherent post. But perhaps I'll try just posting the chaos and questions; perhaps that will help me sort through it all and find my way to the top of the hill.

So here's the first question: what do you do, how do you cope, when you seem to be perpetually exhausted no matter how much rest or sleep you get?

Protection

Putting oneself out here on the Internets can be very risky. Identity theft notwithstanding, the greatest issue I've discovered is a sort of cyber-stalking, where people, for whatever reason, stalk a person by doing Internet searches and keeping tabs on the sites they find.

I've had a couple of incidents before with a few weird commenters and such, but nothing major..... until recently. Long story... suffice to say some things happened recently to make me nervous.

So I'm thinking about doing a password protect on my blog... If this blog suddenly becomes inaccessible, that's what's happened.

Now, before I do that, I plan to email the password information to those of you readers I know about and have email addys for.  So if it IS inaccessible and you didn't received an email from me, email me and smack me (that includes those of you on Facebook). Otherwise, I will have a welcome page set up where you can request the password info in the comment section.

All you feed readers, I'm not sure how this will affect you. I'm hoping it won't...  but you never know. Nor do I know how to get the password info to you. So if this is the last post you see in your reader for a while, you may want to drop by and double-check the privacy level, and then let me know (via the comments section on the welcome page) if you need a password...

Trying Something New

I'm trying a different approach to my longer posts: I'm posting the introduction to these longer posts up front but then continuing the post "after the jump," as they say. All you  need to do to read the rest of the post is click on the "continue reading" link at the bottom of the introduction.

I thought I'd do this to save a little space on my pages, and to save you the pain of finding the end of my long posts so you can read the next one in line. Also, if the introduction doesn't pique your interest, you can just move on (but I hope you won't!) rather than read the rest of the post.

I'd really like know what you think; if you like it, or would rather have the whole post on the front page.

UPDATE: I'm working on getting my feedburner, and various feeds, to publish full posts rather than a quick summary -- huge apologies to all my subscribers out there [all 3 of you! ;) ]; I didn't realize I had Feedburner only posting 200 characters. What the...??? -- I've changed feedburner already (Typepad was already set to feed full posts), but I don't know how long it takes for it to cycle through all the feeds. I know Bloglines now gets full posts but so far I haven't been able to get GR to follow suit. So let me know if you use Google Reader and can read this entire post. Thanks! (and special thanks to Joe Kennedy for buying me a clue!)

Nashville N'Stuff

Goodness. Take a little time off blogging to study/focus on schoolwork and the world goes wonky.

NashvilleisTalking's future is uncertain. In fact, by the time I get this written it may have disappeared altogether, or morphed into something completely different. About the time I learned NiT was changing, I heard about Metroblogging Nashville. Not sure about this one yet. I'll let you know as I read more of the posts. Then this morning, Kat Coble opened the doors to Music City Bloggers. At least Volunteer Voters is still going (thank GOD!), though Kleinheider must be suffering from a summer cold. He's not as snarky as usual.

On the SBC front, SBC Outpost is up and running in its new form, and already stirring up the pot; Art Rogers, as always, has posted some good stuff (especially here and here), Marty Duren's new ie:missional blog is off to a great start and Ben Cole is, well, you figure it out. Yes, all is getting back to sort-of-normal in the SBC world.

I do have to say SBC Outpost is sorely lacking in women contributors (as in, there are none). That is, in my opinion, to their grave detriment. There are some amazing women bloggers out there who also happen to be Southern Baptists and SBCOutpost would greatly benefit from adding their voices to the cacophony of men's. Ah, well. We are talking about Southern Baptists, after all. Sometimes the SBC acts like we're still in the Middle Ages 1950s.

On another subject involving Nashville, I hurried downtown Wednesday evening to see the awesome fireworks Music City puts on for its residents (for free, how awesome is that!). I was not disappointed --- until they ended. What the---?! Twenty-five minutes?? Hello! Last year and the year before were a lot longer. Forty minutes at least. I remember sitting in the parking lot of LP Field in 2005 looking through the fence at the river, fireworks going off above me and marveling that they weren't over yet. I'm sure the show went on for over forty-five minutes that year.

I feel cheated. Twenty five minutes and it was done. I remember seeing the big finale and thinking, "man, they are good, faking us out like this!" In fact, after it was over I refused to get up for about five minutes so sure was I that they'd start firing off more any minute. Nope. And then I was just mad. I want more, dangit! Nashville puts on the best fireworks show I have seen since Disneyland's 45th celebration called "Believe, There's Magic in the Stars!" and I want more!

It was not to be. Instead, I had to settle for downtown gridlock. In our rush to make it to Bicentennial Park on time (okay, who in the heck authorized a time change for the fireworks without bothering to advertise said change, hmmm??? Do you know what chaos you caused us all??), we inadvertently parked smack in the middle of gridlock hell, which we promptly discovered in our vain attempt to exit said structure in a timely fashion. It was the only time in the last two years I've wished I was still working for the SBC and so could have used their parking garage rather than parking on Church. By the time we got to the lovely Billy Graham statue, a half a block from said parking garage, traffic was clear and the road was open. However, getting to that lovely spot took an hour.

Note to self, new Nashvillians and old-timers who are prone to forgetfulness: never, ever park in the structure on Church and Printer's Alley during a big downtown event like July 4th. It took us a half an hour just to get out of the stinkin' parking structure. And then the real fun began. Downtown was seriously gridlocked. It took us another half hour just to get the six blocks down Church, 4th and Commerce streets to 8th Avenue (after that the road was clear all the way to 10th where Commerce dead ends into LifeWay). Oh. My. God. I will never make that mistake again.

Thankfully, Nashville is full of cool people (stupid drivers, but cool people). I never saw any fights or bad behavior before, during or after the fireworks. And despite a few idiots who refuse to believe that pulling forward and blocking the intersection when the light turns red is illegal not to mention unkind to your fellow drivers, no one lost their cool, got horn-happy or yelled at other drivers. I think we all realized we were in this thing together and there was no point in yelling at someone who was just as stuck as the rest of us. Either that or everyone was exhausted from the heat and just happy to be in an air-conditioned vehicle with padded seats. At any rate, I was never happier to cross the 65 and head down the "open road" of Broadway/21st toward home.

Even with all that mess, Nashville's still the best place to live on the planet. But next year I'm parking up by the courthouse on James Robertson Parkway so I can beat a quick exit via the bridge (and catch I-24 South) out of the downtown suck-zone. Here's to learning from our mistakes.

Sick of the Excrement

I don't know what is going on these days but the energy creatures of the Internet have been out in force lately. The blogs I have been to the last few days/weeks have had comment strings literally in the hundreds, filled with mean-spirited hateful hurtful comments. Just vicious. After reading them I feel like I'm covered in shit and I want to take a shower. The "Christian" blogs may not have the more colorful language found at the rest, but they are just as filled with vitriol. It's just masked in "spirituality." Nothing like a pharisee in full dress robes to ruin a conversation.

It never ceases to amaze me that pharisees come in all shapes and, uh, non-religions. And tonight I discovered another casualty of this crap. Over at NiT is a sad, sad example of this vitriolic hate-filled Internet meanness. Brittney resigned today from her role as First Blogger, so-to-speak. At least the first paid blogger for a media outlet in middle Tennessee. To understand her vital role in the creation of a true community of bloggers in Nashville you would have had to experienced it. Even though I never went to any of the blogger gatherings or commented much either on NiT or on the many, many blogs it, through Brittney, introduced me to, I still felt like a contributing, appreciated and liked member of this community.  And I always stood a bit taller when she choose to highlight one of my posts on NiT. She could snark with the best, argue her point to the end but when the chips were down, or when you had a helluva victory, she would be right there by your side, cheering you on or offering a cup of encouragement. She once said she's not a "Christian," but she acts a lot more like one than many who arrogantly claim the title.

What pisses me off the most is that even after she'd resigned the energy creatures and pharisees didn't quit. I could not believe the hateful words written, and written and written again. It makes me sick to my stomach. How can people be so nasty to another human being??

I guess I've just hit my limit.

WKRN will be hard-pressed to replace Brittney. Hers was a huge, overwhelming job and she did it with aplomb and finesse. Not many could pull that off.

In 500 Words or Less

As the school year winds down for those in "normal" school (I of the special school - aka distance learning - am on a completely different schedule) many of my friends are currently engaged in writing various papers and finishing up final projects. Some are putting in late nights/early mornings to finish up 20, 30, even 50 page papers, while others are assigned a word count. One friend recently told me she had a class paper due this week and when I asked how many pages, she shrugged and just said, it's only 500 words. Holy crap. I could do that in my sleep! And that got me to thinkin'.... (always a dangerous thing)

Three of my last five posts have been well over a thousand words. That's a one with three zeros after it -- or in a couple of cases a one with three larger digits after it. More than double than my friend's paper. I'm grateful for those of you who took up the challenge and waded through all those words, but  some of your teased me about how loooooong the posts were. And too be honest, I tend to shy away from long posts in other blogs myself, especially if the first paragraph or two don't capture my attention, because I just don't have the time to read all that. If I wanted a novel, I'd have ordered it from Amazon.com. I'd wager that many of you feel the same.

So here's my thought: For the month of May I will keep all my posts to 500 words or less (with two notable exemption: Bible verses and dictionary definitions won't count against my own word count). Now, that may mean a topic gets a two-part post (or a three-part, or four...). But mostly what it will mean is that I must curb my verbosity. I'm hoping it will help me get to my point quicker, cut down on all the repetitious examples and make my writing just a bit more palatable to those who don't have a lot of time. To keep me honest, I will publish the word-count at the end of the post.

I think I'm a decent writer and that what I have to say is good.  However, I also think my wordy posts are keeping some from reading and thus from partaking in that "goodness". That, to me, is regrettable. So what say you?  Are you open to shorter Lu-posts, or do you prefer the longer treatises? For my part I will keep it short sweet and to the point this month. Let's just see how pithy I can be.

word count: 438

Defaming in the name of Christ?

May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you a spirit of unity among yourselves as you follow Christ Jesus, so that with one heart and mouth you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. -- Romans 15:5-6

I came across a blog today that grieves and saddens me. I've seen its kind before. Someone, or a group of someones, hurt by the actions of a brother or sister in Christ, or a church staff, or a group within the church, puts up a blog to air their grievances and give others a chance to do the same in the comments section.  Once or twice, these become a place where healing is the goal and bitterness does not go unchecked. But more often than not, these blogs end up as nothing more than a place of condemnation for the pastor or staff member at fault for the pain.  It becomes a chance for anyone hurt by that person or group of people to defame them under the pretense of "telling their story." Sadly, the blog I found this morning is the latter kind.

I know the pain of emotional and spiritual injury at the hands of another, especially injury caused by a friend. Its sting carries venom powerful and deadly. Only the compassionate, gracious, all-consuming love of God can heal that kind of wound and restore health to the soul.  Even then it leaves a scar.

Emotional/spiritual injury by a pastor can be worse. A friend of mine says that pastors are also a "dad" to their church.  It's not a role they want, or seek. Nor is it a role we consciously put upon them. Its just that we all naturally end up looking to our pastor to fill a father-like role in our lives; leading, guiding, counseling, loving, appreciating, paying attention to us, knowing us. We want to be known by our pastors, and recognized as valuable, valued and worthy of love. All the things we want from our fathers. When a pastor doesn't live up to that expectation, unconscious or not, especially in a time of need, it feels like the worst kind of betrayal, that of a parent.  If we're already suffering from major "daddy issues", and most of us are, that betrayal can cut to the heart of who we are and devastate us.

When the injury is at the hands of a friend who's also our pastor, the pain is unimaginable. This is what I found this morning.  What grieves me most about it is that it involves people I know, respect, and love deeply.  I discovered it because I keep getting multiple hits on this blog from people Googling the blog author's name and finding it here, in a post from two years ago.  As I read the ensuing comments, the vitriolic tone of many pierced my heart to its core. I knew there had been hurt, I lived through the experiences they described, but it didn't occur to me that some six to ten years later people would still be carrying around such rancor over it all.

Forgiveness is the hardest thing on earth to do. Our souls long for retribution, for repayment for all the pain we've had to endure.  I know. I'm the worst when it comes to forgiving. God has had to walk with me through each and every injury, sometimes carrying me, in order for my heart to finally let go and forgive.

It's important to remember that forgiveness is a process. It's a choice you make. And make. And make again. Until the hurt and anger lessens, your heart stops making an automatic left turn into dark places, and your thoughts stop running down avenues of revenge. It doesn't happen overnight. And it often doesn't even happen within a month.  Depending on the level of pain inflicted and the measure of trust that had been placed in the person who hurt you, it could be years before forgiveness truly flourishes.

Matthew 18 spells out the steps Jesus expects us to take to resolve things when we are injured, the last step being to treat the offending brother as if he were an unbeliever if he refuses to listen to even the church's rebuke. How many of us actually go through with these steps? How many times to we just give up and just walk away from the relationship when the hurt and anger grows too big for us to handle? I know I'm guilty. Its just easier to tell ourselves, and anyone else who'll listen, how horrible the other person was and how grievously they wronged us, rather than to screw our courage to the sticking place, and go face-to-face with the other person for as long as it takes us to understand their side of the story. No, it's easier to just cling to our own side and ignore the rest; to never confront the person in the presence of fair-minded witnesses, if we even confront them at all.

But what Matthew 18 never tells us to do is to air our grievances before the world; in the town square, or the main boulevard, or even in a city park.  Yet here we are, blogs all over the virtual town square/boulevard known as the Internets, airing grievances of brother-in-Christ against brother-in-Christ. Defaming our brothers and sister in the name of Christ and claiming a Matthew 18 mandate to do so.

Yikes!  No wonder so many reject the very idea of becoming a follower of Jesus. We eat our own.

"To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable, because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you." C.S. Lewis 

Go ahead and be angry. You do well to be angry—but don't use your anger as fuel for revenge. And don't stay angry. Don't go to bed angry. Don't give the Devil that kind of foothold in your life...  Make a clean break with all cutting, backbiting, profane talk. Be gentle with one another, sensitive. Forgive one another as quickly and thoroughly as God in Christ forgave you. -- Eph 3:26-27,31-32

Mental Constipation

I once heard writer's block described this way:

It's not that you cannot think of anything to say, or that you have nothing to say, it is that you have so much to say your brain cannot decide where to begin. So it sits frozen, staring at a blank page, constipated with ideas and unable to bring those ideas and thoughts through in an organized fashion.

In other words, Mental Constipation.

The only cure I've found is to begin a free-association type game with myself. Get the flow going once again by unblocking the bottleneck in my mind. I begin jotting down random ideas and thoughts that come into my head and let them lead the way for their more cohesive sisters to finally break through.

Sometimes even that doesn't work. Sometimes, like girls are prone to do, they all think they are the most important and fight to be seen first, effectively re-congesting the narrow passages between my mind and the paper.

This is where I stand today. Mind raging with ideas and thoughts and questions. Blog pages empty and void of any signs of the tumult inside me. It's like watching the the tv show "Lost" with the sound off, fascinating in its visual chaos but ultimately incomprehensible to the viewer (not that the sound has helped much these days).

I have been studying for two exams; well, one in particular -- on language and communication, particularly focusing on critical thinking/reading/writing and on writing essays. This exam is multiple choice. Another exam in late January will be all written essays and a fourth will be a research paper. Through all this studying I've discovered just how amateurish my own writing, and my thinking process during writing, is. Realizing how often I skipped the necessary steps of quality writing causes me to cringe, but its the constant conscious "need" to go through those steps now that has really locked me up mentally.

I find I want to write posts about a great many things, only to slam against mental constipation as I try to adopt better writing habits by incorporating the steps I've recently learned. Rather than releasing everything in a more orderly fashion, the steps seem to have brought all my ideas and thoughts to an abrupt halt, as if they've never seen a flight of stairs in their lives and are frightened to death of taking a hard tumble into the abyss below should they trip on their way down. No one seems to want to make her grand entrance as a post here, or anywhere - even my journals - for that matter, as they all are more accustomed to strutting their stuff down a runway rather than down a winding staircase. And no amount of free-form writing will coax them from their perches at the top of the stairs. Nor has it brought order to their desperate crowding. Each still pushes her way to the front and demands to be recognized as first and most important in the parade, even while steadfastly refusing to begin the parade.

This is what madness must look like from the inside.

Blogging Pet Peeve

Okay -- disclaimer here. I'm yelling in this post, but it's not at you, my audience. For you are all very intelligent, blog-wise people. I'm yelling here because to yell about such things on someone ele's blog would probably not be very kind or acceptable. And it would undoubtably be way off-topic.

I read a blog on Voxtropolis today that discussed blog etiquette. Ooohhhhh, did it hit on a pet peeve of mine.

I've been noticing lately as I read various blogs that have touched on controversial topics or have become controversial in and of themselves, that a lot of people now commenting on these blogs seem to have a basic misunderstanding of what a blog really is, and what it is not.

Commenters are starting to often write about fairness of commenting or posting and such as if they are posting on a bulletin board not on a blog. There is a difference.

A bulletin board (BB) is a place where many people can come together and post their thoughts about a particular subject. It's like a virtual coffee house where everyone is welcome to speak their mind and where etiquette and common courtesy dictate that all must be given fair chance to be heard -- unless that person has resorted to name-calling or "flaming" the topic (using inflammatory words and such).

A blog, on the other hand, is no such public venue. It is one's private little corner of the web. Kind of like someone standing in their front yard, or living room with the door open to visitors and guests and saying what they wish. Its a place where one can post whatever one's heart desires. People can comment, if one allows, on the post, or even on the blog in particular (mostly is "proper" to keep comment to subject of the post, but whatever...).

However, the blogger get to choose what will and will not be tolerated in their own comments section. Commentors are, after all, in the blogger's "house" so-to-speak. This space is the blogger's, and that blogger gets to make the rules. If someone gets unruly or rude on my blog, I have every right to delete their comments, and to even ban them from ever commenting again. Nope, not fair. But then, this blog isn't about fairness. It's about me.

Bottom line, a blog is someone's personal space. And they can run it as they see fit. They can delete your comment just because they don't like your name, if they so choose, and it's completely fair and okay for them to do so. And no, they do not have to hold themselves to the whatever fairness rules or posting etiquette you think they ought. Their blog may be on the Internet, but it is still in their name and (at least on Typepad) they are paying for it, so they get to call the shots. You don't like it, don't comment! And for that matter, don't read it!

Okay.... I think I've gotten a little bit of that frustration out of my system. Now, on to other one.

I've been blogging long before it was cool -- and long before we had all these nifty programs allowing people to comment. Back then we called them on-line journals. A lot has changed since then, but some basic language still hangs on and it's the confusion in blog terminology that really drvies me batty.

So listen up, people. Pay close attention. There will be a test on this every time you post or comment.

A Blog -- is a particular place where one can record their thoughts, opinions and life on the Internet; A person may have many blogs, or may just have one. IT IS NOT AN INDIVIDUAL ENTRY! I want to just KILL MySpace every time I have to go copy and paste my entries on that stupid thing (I'm really about ready to drop it -- sorry Wendy, but I hate MySpace). It's little button to add a post says, "add a new blog". AAAUUUGGGHH. NO. I do NOT want another blog. I want to post to the blog I've got.

Post -- an entry in your blog; there will be many posts in a blog but only one blog; you do NOT write a new blog about something, you write a new POST about something (please see tantrum thrown above)

Comment -- this is NOT a post, but a comment; they are different; to refer to "what someone wrote in the post a couple of posts up" is not correct. It's the "comment a few comments" up that is correct. Get it straight, people. I write the posts, you write the comments.

Again, I'm not yelling at you, my audience. Your intelligence always astounds me (especially that you would want to read my blog of all things!). I just needed to vent. I think I'm done for now.....

Thank God it's Friday.

Just Life and Stuff

Sorry for the silence here... I'm still alive -- I haven't died or gotten tied up and drug away by wild and nasty gnomes. Just haven't had the energy to blog lately. Been pouring it into life, and other stuff.

Have you ever had so much to say, on so many topics, you don't know where to begin or how to get it all out? That's my problem lately. So much I've taken in and learned and experienced and now I just can't figure out how to get it all on paper -- or, rather, into my blog. It may ultimately take me many posts.

Over the last couple of weeks I've started a new "program" (Weight Watchers -- woohoo watch my weight go up and down and up again!!), fulfilled a wish I've had for several years and contemplated deep things of God.

Okay, so it hasn't been the most adventure-packed of times, but it was enough to keep my mind whirling like crazy and my body aching for sleep. And now it's given me mental/writing constipation. Too much that wants to come out all at once. Its kind of like when you don't think through the timing as you cook a big meal and every dish is ready and must be attended to at the very same moment. Maddening.

My sister came out last weekend and both of us attended a 4-day taping of Beth Moore's new Bible study, due out next September ('07). It was awesome -- if not a little overwhelming. Those of you who've participated in one of her studies knows she gives a lot of information and a lot of insight in each weekly 50-minute or so session. Try taking in 6 of those in 4 days. Yikes! My head was spinning. But such good stuff! And it was fun just to get to see Beth in person, which had been a longing of mine for several years, and to see how things go in a "real time" study with her, rather than just the polished finished product on tape. Good, good stuff. Nina and I stayed up late into the night/morning talking each night about what we'd learned

I've been on Weight Watchers now for a week and a half. It's going okay I think. Its a little more complicated than I thought -- with all the points counting and such. But I'm getting used to it. I didn't lose but about a pound last week due to all the late evening activity and a visit to the Cheesecake Factory on Saturday (yummmm!). Hopefully, I'll do better this week.

Through all this, God has been speaking and moving and teaching and challenging. My oh my. I've learned much as we talked together and wanted to duck and pretend I didn't hear when the challenges came. Yet I didn't. And we are now walking through some places that are familiar, yet new. Forgiveness, Grace, Love --even when combined with dislike, all familiar, yet new every time I walk through them.

Finally, here's a passage I'd nearly forgotten till Beth reminded us Saturday morning. It brought me hope; hope that I'd forgotten was there. Hope for not just the future, but for Today.

"See, it is I who created the blacksmith
       who fans the coals into flame
       and forges a weapon fit for its work.
       And it is I who have created the destroyer to work havoc;

"no weapon forged against you will prevail,
       and you will refute every tongue that accuses you.
       This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD,
       and this is their vindication from me,"
       declares the LORD. --- Isaiah 54:16-17