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August 11, 2008


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Joe Kennedy

You know how they talk about the string theory that holds everything together? Well, I've spent the last two and a half months trying to connect the strings... I've felt like I was losing it... the coherence. I keep thinking about how church, the gospel, the environment, education, politics, people, war, life... how they're all interconnected. And every time I try to put it into words, it just comes out feeling so random and crazy.

It's probably not what you're dealing with... but it's what I am. And I'm losing sleep over it. I'm not sure how to help.


Yes and no.... part of, well actually MOST of the stuff swirling in my head and heart DO have to do with war, politics, people, life, the gospel, church, the world, history, the future, the present.... on and on... how it's all interconnected, and all rather going crazy. And I'm also struggling with what my response to all of it is supposed to be... if that makes sense.

But it also has to do with surrendering everything to God, living one day at time, trusting Him with it all, righting the wrongs I've done.... coming face-to-face with myself, the bad AND the good. Oddly, the latter is harder to accept... but that's a WHOLE other post in itself. :)

I laid down this evening after work and promptly fell asleep for two hours. Never mind the fact that I have five chapters (over 140 pages) to read and two papers to write -- which are actually late and due last week.... I was supposed to work on homework all weekend, but ended up sleeping or "laying around" and watching tv most of it. I just didn't have any strength to do anything; or any ability to focus.

I think part of it is from some meds I'm currently taking. But sheesh! This is a bit ridiculous!

Anyway... it's good to know another person is being driven a bit mad by all the stuff going on inside our heads. :) Hope you get some sleep tonight!


Everyone so blithely talks about personal change. They make it sound so easy.
"Believe in yourself."
"Let go and let God."
"Just let it go."
And on and on...

The first clue indicating that it's hard work is seen in people's lives: not many make substantive changes in their lives. Once you're an adult the patterns are set and are hard to change. It's no wonder the process is exhausting.

Yet there is truth to the idea of "Let go and let God." The problem for me comes along behind that: If it's God doing the living, then why should I care? I've been arguing this for some time now and haven't reached a conclusion, which is very frustrating.

I know, to the depths of my soul, that God is good, and kind, and trustworthy. There is still some part of me that must be very scared, or something, and refuses to trust. I trusted more years ago before I knew anything. Now... it's a struggle and I'm tired of it. Can't there be something easy?

So, how do I handle it? I listen to music, try to sleep, read, and play Guild Wars. And pretty much ignore the world.

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