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June 22, 2008


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Why are you--am I--afraid of those shadows? Very deep training, whose roots go back into the very beginnings of our consciousness. Our experience of this world gives no confidence of gentle handling from anyone; "suck it up" is the best that is usually offered. So the shadows are thrown from very small events in the past but loom large in the present.

I've fought the shadows most of my life and lost every encounter. God says I can win. I look at the cross and see what he has done, I've talked with him, I've walked with him and I still believe the shadows are more real than he is. The shadows have substance, history. I've been beaten up by the shadow-suupporting mechanism for years more than I want to count; I've enlisted professional help in trying to reduce their power and everything I've done has failed.

I'm out of answers. I can attest to the real power but have little experience with moving beyond shadows. In theory, yes, In fact... I run away.


VERY deep roots. And stubborn as weeds. The fear just does not want to come out.

"suck it up," "behave and stop making a scene," "you're imagining things..." or "it's just your vivid imagination going wild again,"

I've figured out I CANNOT win against the shadows; I'm powerless against them. So now I've been trying to work on the concept that not only CAN God rescue me from them and bring serenity, but that He WILL.

See, I have no problem believing God CAN do anything. I have a problem believing He WILL for me. For anyone else, you bet. I can be fully confident He WILL be right there. For me...? Not so much.

Dude, I miss you. I miss hearing your insights and your struggles each week. ---- I bought my iMac without you... that was a lonely experience, despite others who helped and advised. It just wasn't the same as buying my PowerBook with you at my side, and then taking it to Life Group for a big Mac celebration. :)


I miss you too, Lu. I miss our talks. No one else would even think of asking God for a relationship that's "The Bomb."

I keep thinking that having the right companions on this walk would make it, perhaps, somewhat easier. Can you imagine going to a pastor and saying "God told me last night that our relationship is gonna be Da Bomb, and I'm scared." Maybe some of them would get it.

I have no problem believing that God will do what he says. That's why I'm scared, and resist. Will I like what he does?


Oh, I don't know that no one else would think of asking God for that.... I think you have, in your own way. But every day I realize more and more that not a whole lot of people would; or do.

--->That's why I'm scared, and resist. Will I like what he does?

Wow, great insight... and good question. I think perhaps that's part of my struggle too. In a way I do know He will do what He says; it just won't look AT ALL like what I want it too.... at least that's what I think deep down. And I'm so surprised when He gives me things I want.

The place I live, for instance. And my car. Both were things I saw and came to REALLY want. At the time I needed a place to live, but it didn't have to be this great little place, with these great people as landlords, or this great location close to everything I wanted to be close to. Same for the car. I needed a new one; the old one was D-E-A-D dead. But He didn't have to give me the totally rockin' one He did. But He did.

So it's crazy; I have experienced Him at times giving me what I really want. But still I fear that He will never do so again. That "what He says" means something totally different that I think, or what I want.

I realized today that that is really a mean way to treat Him; to not trust Him after all this time together, all these experiences together.

I don't know how to choose to trust someone. But I think it's time I learned. He deserves better than I'm giving Him. So today I asked Him to help me with this.

Baby steps.


This got me to thinking. I do have confidence that God will take care of my physical needs. He always has. There are many examples from my life.

The question is about my heart. Will God do what everyone else tries to do and turn me and my heart into a copy of someone else's standard design?

God has given me no sign that he intends any such, but his gentleness (which is really the only way this could be approached) has a hard time being seen, felt or heard over my own beliefs.

Show your heart, get torn apart. God lives inside and sees everything. This is a problem for me. But... what can God do to me that's worse than what I've already done? Why not just let him have a try? Some part of me is very, very scared.

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