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June 21, 2008


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Lu, my heart goes out to you over your struggle. I know how much you love to love God. I know how much you need Him to need you. I wish there was an easy answer to your delimma, but there isn't. I wonder if you see your position in God's eyes much as you see yourself in your family's eyes ... good when you're doing what you think they want, but a disappointment the rest of the time. This could explain your "paganism" and why you have a hard time reconciling your head God with your heart God.

I know what a good person you are and how giving you can be. It's one of the reasons I love you and keep you in my heart. But I also think you are too hard on yourself and how you think the world (friends, family, co-workers, God) sees you; because, frankly, there's a distortion between what you think "we" think of you and what we really do think of you.

There are definitely times you aggravate the heck out of me, but I have yet to turn my back on you or to say, "She's no good for my life and I don't think she's worth saving." Granted my interpretation of saving is a little different than yours - wink wink - but the result is pretty similar: my hand is still reaching out to you in friendship and love. I know that doesn't equate to what you seek from God, but there is a correlation to be had; if a flawed human being like me can love you, why wouldn't your True God? Isn't He there to love us, sometimes in spite of ourselves?

Besides, what truly are the rules and hoops you're supposed to jump through? Wouldn't the True God guide you along the path with gentle cuffing when you stray a little too far, and an occasional swat on the behind when you refuse to acknowledge or answer Him? I can't image that the True God would be mean and spiteful and so demanding that you'd never be able to live up to even 1/10th of what is expected.

Remember this: you are loved, by your friends and family and colleagues and God. No one expects perfection from you, just an honest attempt to live by the mores and values you hold to be true. Let the rest of it go and remember that in 50 years when we're little old ladies sitting on a porch swing sipping lemonade through dentures, you'll look back and say, "I grew so much that year. I found myself in God. What a treat."


Go for it, Lu. God won't drop you. Look at the cross and see what God did long before you were concerned about any of this.

Of course, I'm a complete hypocrite when I say that, because my currrent situation is quite similar to yours: Judge-God and Living-God sharing the same heart and the tension is tearing me apart.

Dreamcrash is hard to live through. Concept of life runs into God's true face and gets very confused. Living with God is like the subcontinent of India running into Asia and raising tremendous mountains; I look at them and just want to quit climbing.

God Himself can be very comforting if I let him. Letting him is the hard part. I'm not a very trusting person, having been dropped far too many times in more tender years. Now I'm tough by necessity, and that gets in the way of any relationship. God pretty much has to build a whole new dream from amid the ruins of the one that has been falling apart in the last 14 years or so.

I'm tired.


Kat -- Yes, most definitely most of my issues and struggles with God are rooted in "family of origin" stuff (as those counselor-types would say) -- "good when you're doing what you think they want, but a disappointment the rest of the time. " a very apt description of what goes on inside me.... I can see it; I even know where most, if not all, of it comes from (I wasn't going to put it on the Internet for obvious reasons), but I can't seem to overcome it... yet.

I am still hopeful. I do believe I will come through this time with a better, more solid, stable view of God; one I can put my full weight on and rock the hell out of and never break. But getting there is rather a bitch. About the time I'm there, another round of terror breaks out, more doubts arise, and the cycle repeats.

Thank you for you incredible words... they brought me deep comfort (what do you mean I sometimes aggravate the heck out of you?!?! I'm a perfect angel! See my halo??). Sometimes I forget I not alone (feelings convince me of the contrary).

"Wouldn't the True God guide you along the path with gentle cuffing when you stray a little too far, and an occasional swat on the behind when you refuse to acknowledge or answer Him?" What a beautiful description!

Larry -- you know, I heard this preacher guy say the same thing about a month ago (Andy Stanley, Northpoint Church -- Faith Hope and Luck series; I highly recommend it!); that our faith isn't in what God might do today or tomorrow, but that our faith is in what God HAS ALREADY DONE. That is what we base our faith on, not whatever we may "hope" for today or tomorrow. Isn't it strange that a girl who literally grew up in church still forgets that basic tenet? I just get so caught up in "everything else" that I forget that He's already done the impossible.

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