Stepping Off the High Dive

My heart is racing and my knees are weak
As I walk to the edge
I know there is no turning back
Once my feet have left the ledge
And in the rush I hear a voice
That’s telling me it’s time
to take the leap of faith
So here I go                   

I’m diving in, I’m going deep
In over my head, I want to be
Caught in the rush, lost in the flow,
in over my head, I want to go
The river’s deep, the river’s wide,
the river’s water is alive
So sink or swim, I’m diving in -- Dive, Steven Curtis Chapman

I remember hearing Erwin tell the story of his childhood experience with the high dive; how he climbed the ladder excitedly but once he got to the top, stood on the diving board and looked down, he realized just how far he had to fall and wanted to take the ladder back down. However, this "big, mean" older boy refused to let him pass, saying, "you're not coming back this way!" So thanks to his big brother Alex -- the "big, mean" boy who wouldn't let him pass :) -- Erwin jumped off the high dive. And lived. And jumped again and again because he loved the thrill so much. But that first step off the board was a killer. Erwin was practically frozen in fear and but for the force of his big brother he would never have taken it.

I've stepped off a high dive of my own. I came to a powerful realization over a month ago and started taking baby steps toward healing, recovery and wholeness. But that was just the last few steps up the ladder, and across the board to the edge. I realized I had to choose to jump or I would spend the rest of my life wandering back and forth across the board, staring at the Life I could have, staring at it but never living it. I paced that diving board and stood at the edge for several weeks, struggling with the decision before me and the consequences that would follow. Finally I made my decision and stepped off.

Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be

I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
Like today never happened

Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here --- "Dare You To Move" by Switchfoot

This is a good thing, a very good thing, this step I've taken. Make no mistake about that. But it's also the scariest thing I've ever done. It alters the way I live for the rest of my life. Every day that passes I realize more and more the wisdom of the motto, "One day at a time." It's just too overwhelming to think about how I will find the strength to live this new way, except to take it in bite-sized pieces; one day at a time, one minute at a time, holding on to Jesus every step of the way.

I am so grateful for His constant presence! Our amazing unfathomable Three-In-One God has made His intimate, dwelling/abiding in me evident every moment of the day. I often awaken to His eyes intently gazing into mine, and at night He sits with me as I weep with the pain of grief, sorrow and fear. He comforts me, holds me and constantly encourages; saying things like, "you can do this," "I am here and we will do it together," "I will catch you when you fall," "one day at a time... one thing at a time." He has also put in my life people who have been so supportive, loving and gracious, and He's placed me in a city where help for healing, recovery and wholeness is readily available. I look over the landscape of my life and see that He has been preparing me, preparing my life, for this stepping-off moment, this diving in from the high dive, for a very long time; longer I'm sure than what I can (or will ever) see.

I am afraid scared out of my mind and I don't have any idea how I will accomplish all that is before me -- and I know there will be times when I fall and must start again. But I also know I'm not alone in my fight. And that makes all the difference in the world (I don't know how people live without Jesus!).

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. -- Eph 3:20-21

Comments

[KatRose]

I'm so frakkin' proud of you, Lu! I know how hard these steps have been and how much you have struggled to even make the decision to take those steps. But you did make the decision and you did take that first step. Those are the hardest things to do and yet you did them. Congratulations! As you continue down this path to recovery and self-realization, I'm hear to listen, to coach, to weep with you, to comfort you and to kick your backside. I love you and hope you realize just how much.

[Marti]

Keep at it, Lu. A life worth living.