At least that's what it seems these days. Perhaps its just normal for spring in Nashville and this being my first year and all, it's a novelty. Whatever it is, it's stunning. Even at 6am.
As I drive to the Y each morning, passing the same beautiful homes with acres and acres of land on roads that feel like back-country lanes, I thank God for mornings. For Nashville. For my Life.
Weird. Not long ago I was begging God to let me die. Now here I am, thanking Him for not saying yes to my death wish.
I don't know what I'm doing on this earth. I still don't have any answers to the questions that have spun around in my head for the last two years. But right now it doesn't seem to matter -- my spirit is at rest.
Which gives my mind time to ponder new questions. And my heart strength to wrestle with different issues.
The last few days I've been listening to a lot of Erwin's teaching cds. Especially one that Ron & Lynn sent me for Christmas. In it Erwin poses the question, "is it possible to love God and still have a bad day? To still have unfulfilled longings, unmet expectations, unrealized dreams?" As I listen, it reaffirms and reinforces the lessons I've learned over the last two years.
Yes, it IS possible to love God and have a bad day. And it IS possible to have a bad day and still be crazy in love with God. As I said yesterday, it's in the depth, flavor and grittiness of real life that the Abundant LIfe is found. It's those bad days I have that truly drive home to me how sweet and soulthirst-quenching life with Jesus is. Just having Him here. Beside me. At every moment of the day.
My attitude hasn't been the greatest lately. Partly due to my being so much in my own head... It's not that I'm in a foul mood, because I'm not. I'm genuinely enjoying life right now -- which is a weird thing for me now. Its more that as I think through certain things, I get sort of agitated and rather snarky. I guess emotions are floating to the surface now from all manner of things and so I ride the waves as they come.
But I'm also finding that I'm checking myself a lot. I'm realizing when I'm not in the greatest of moods and doing my best to uncover the full extent of why (rather than striving to stuff the emotions down or "wish them into the corn field" as I used to do). Which puts me even more in my own head -- as God and I process through all the emotions and discuss what to do with this stuff. I'm sure this must be unsettling for some of those around me. But I'm not sure what I can do about that.
Having the mornings to workout has given me time to cull through all the years of stuff collected in my heart and spirit and begin a sort of mental/spiritual Spring Cleaning -- discarding used up worn out paradigms, getting rid of the mind-clutter and sweeping away the dust of old habits and thought patterns.
The drive back home for a shower and breakfast tends to take longer, as my country road route turns into a city thoroughfare for morning commuters. I don't mind, it gives me time to enjoy the beauty of the morning, listen to the birds singing and let my mind wander....
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