I've been trying to wrap my brain around how to express in words the deep emotions and thoughts I have regarding recent events. I've come to the conclusion that there is no concise way. There are times when words are insufficient; when they almost trivialize rather than explain.
I've been down this road before, emotionally speaking. I've dealt with unexpected tragedy, calamity, depression, disappointment. However, I've not dealt with it on such a large scale.
Where I am now is surrender; acceptance; and maybe a little serenity.
Look, I could go on and on at my anger and frustration over all that has happened to cause this current mess, and on and on about my fears for the future. But none of that will change reality.
We are in deep shit (pardon my french). We are in a recession and rapidly sliding headlong into a depression. And it's not nearly over yet; buckle up, guys. It's going to be a bumpy ride. And when it is finally over, life in the US will not be the same again; at least not in our lifetimes. The US itself may even cease to exist. We are ripe for attack from without and for tyranny from within.* Whether we implode or explode is ultimately irrelevant; what is relevant at this moment is that we have some decisions to make. And they may not be the ones you think.
A week and a half ago I posted a video in the (ungodly) early dawn hours. It was of Luci Swindoll talking about life, God's grace, and choices. I titled the post "This is the day the Lord has made... let us rejoice and be glad in it!" And I have to say, as the day progressed I thought that was an incredibly ironic title, and even more ironic post content, for such a day as that: an historic stock market drop of 777** points. I think God was really trying to get His point across to me. ;)
Here's the point: In that video Luci points out that God is always working, always moving, in everything that happens. He is always working things out for good for those who will just trust and rest in His grace, His love.
My strength comes into its own in your weakness. -- 2 Cor 12:9 The Message
I love one line Luci says; she says, "...the trouble with life is it's so daily; it just shows up and there it is, another day and we have to deal with it."
Ain't that the truth.
It can be incredibly taxing on those of us struggling with depression, addiction, the effects of trauma and abuse, mounting financial pressures.... the list is endless these days. I know people who have lost half of their retirement already; others who are about to lose their home; others who have already lost their job; and others who are fighting for their lives right now. I know the feeling of laying my head on the pillow at night, grateful I've made it through another day, and yet begging God as I drift off to sleep to take me Home during the night because I don't want to live anymore; I just want to go Home to eternal rest. I just want to be in His arms and not have to deal with this crap anymore. I know that feeling because I still struggle with it from time to time. And I know others who do too.
Luci, on the video, goes on to say that we can either be positive about another day showing up, or negative about it. We have a choice. She said she chooses to be happy, "because God in His goodness has given us His grace" to get through it.
Here's what I'm learning: When you choose to trust God, to rest in His grace and love even when He takes you into poverty, pain, illness, tragedy, trauma, catastrophe,... He shows up. And He infuses His strength and a sweet serenity into your soul. You're not going to run a marathon or jump and shout "praise Jesus!" You just find that you have enough; you have what you need to get through. It's not the way you wanted things to go; it's not how you planned it out, but you are okay, and you realize you are going to be okay even if you lose everything.
I find myself clinging to a lot of phrases I once found trite, shallow. One of the ones at the top of that list was that verse I quoted on September 29th, "This is the day the Lord has made..." blah blah blah. I always heard it from peppy, perpetually happy church-pod people. You know the type; those Christians who don't ever seem to get upset, or sad, or have a bad day; that no matter what happens they cheerily say, "Praise the Lord!"
Gag me.
But on September 29th I kept remembering not only the video I'd posted, but things I'd heard at the Women of Faith conference the weekend before.
Job is quoted as saying, in essence, "the Lord gives and the Lord takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord," upon learning he had just lost everything he valued -- not just his wealth and possessions, but his children. ALL of them. I always had this feeling that Job was one of those church-pod people, at least at the beginning of the story, because it doesn't seem he was even sad. What is usually left out of the telling is that just before his infamous line, "Job stood up and tore his robe in grief. Then he shaved his head and fell to the ground to worship." (Job 1:20)
He did the things one does when they are grieving deeply. He did not hold back his emotions, or put on a happy face. He did not pretend that all was peachy. I am convinced that he was sobbing, that falling to the ground wasn't so much in honor of God as it was out of utter agony of his darkest night of the soul. And he just figured, while I'm down here I might as well give God the praise He deserves. 'Cause He's still God and is therefore still worthy of praise no matter what happens to me.
I'm convinced it probably took him a hour or more to speak his famous words, and I'm convinced they were said through sobs of a grieving, anguished father:
and I will be naked when I leave.
The Lord gave me what I had,
and the Lord has taken it away.
Praise the name of the Lord!” (vs 21)
I'm convinced that that last line was not spoken like a pod-person, all cheery and happy, but rather was spoken in raspy sobbing gasps; not because life is all sunshine and rainbows, but because God is still God and Job still trusted His grace and His love.
I no longer think of "this is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it!" (Psalm 118:24) as a trite, annoying phrase that must be spoken with church-pod people syrupy-ness. It is now the cry of my soul every morning; through tears, through fear, through crankiness, through frustration, through anger, through whatever emotion I experience, my soul now cries, "Papa! You made this day, I will rejoice in YOU; that You are still God, and that You are still able and willing to restore me to sanity this day, regardless of what happens around me or to me. I will still praise You." Sometimes I sound like Whoopi Goldberg in "Ghost," when she's having a hard time letting go of the $4 million check: "I will!!" :) But I've discovered that even when I struggle to give it up for God, He honors it by showing up and bringing His strength and serenity with Him. And He even tells me He thinks I'm wonderful. :)
So here's the bottom line, as I see it:
We have a choice about how we face this unprecedented time in our history. We can get angry and depressed, rail against those we think are responsible and scream at God for the injustices He's allowing to happen to us. We can bury our heads in the sand and deny that anything is wrong or broken in our country. Or we can embrace life and make the most of every moment. It used to be said, "eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we die." But I say enjoy every moment as if it is the best, most precious time you'll ever have; the last time you'll be able to what you are doing at that moment. Because it just may be.
Live in the moment, guys. Live day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time and suck the marrow out of every second of life. Tomorrow will probably be worse than today, so enjoy today to the fullest! (how's that for positive thinking! ;)) But seriously... Live! Find the joy in the simple, ordinary things. And when you find yourself struggling with fear or anger, or denial or apathy, cry out to God to give you the serenity to accept the things you cannot change. Because He will show up.
I couldn't end without including the scene in "Ghost" to which I refer. It's at the end of this clip -- but the whole thing is worth watching. I love Whoopi! (and this is soooo me in this scene!)
*The conclusions I have come to are based on solid, hard-core research. You may vehemently disagree with me, but that will not change my opinion of what is happening, why, and where we are headed. I have been doing a lot of research, a lot of study, a lot of digging and searching -- which I could not even summarize here without writing a twenty-five page thesis paper, complete with another five pages of bibliography and citations, which would most assuredly bore all of you to tears. :) Not to mention frustrate me to have to post all those links and sources....
** It hit me with incredible humor tonight as I wrote this.... 777 is allegedly "God's number." Seven tends to represent completeness in Scripture, so it is sometimes touted by religious folks that God's number is 7; and three sevens in a row is a trinity, don'cha know. :) Yes, that's right folks, it is MY fault the market crashed on Sep 29th.God was working overtime to teach me an object lesson -- that He is truly able and willing to take care of me no matter what happens, if I will just trust and rest in Him. Sorry ya'll had to get caught in my lesson!
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